No, I didn't die. I suppose an explanation is in store. The following things you are about to read are all true. And yes, they are extremely crazy.

I have been depressed for quite sometime. Since the age of nine or ten I believe. But it wasn't until a few months ago that my father thought it was something 'bad'. So he took me to a psychiatrist who issued me 'Zoloft'. For those of you who don't know, Zoloft is a drug which supposedly treats mood swings. It cures a 'chemical in-balance in the brain'. The side-affects: Nausea, Diarrhea, Dizziness - all the typical stuff you'd see in a drug. So it seemed fine. I was a bit optimistic about it too. Being depressed isn't something I am proud of. So I took the drug, and thought that was the end of my worries.

But, it was only the beginning.

A few weeks after taking the medicine, I noticed a substantial increase in brain functionality. I could think faster, more complex thoughts and my grammar had increased enormously. That isn't a bad thing. That was one of the pro's of the drug. All seemed fine, until two weeks later. I began thinking crazy thoughts...There's always been a voice in my head, but not the 'kill everyone' voice you see in movies - it was just my conscience, you know, the voice that says 'this isn't a good thing', a voice of common sense - which I hope everyone has. I dismissed the voice because I thought it was just me.

But the voice in my head started becoming more prominent, it started growing louder and after a while I could determine that it wasn't me controlling the voice. The drug was somehow affecting me, and as crazy as it may sound, it seemed to have awakened the darker-side of me. The side with the rapid depression thoughts. Such as Anger, Death, Sadness, Destruction. I started becoming angrier in my regular life, and online - whenever people would email me or instant message me I would usually get angry quite quickly.

I also began losing my memory. Now, I am not a genius - but I do have quite good memory. I could have someone talk to me on MSN, who I had played an HLDM match with a year ago, and immediately realize who it was. Then after taking the drug I was forgetting people I had played a match with a few hours earlier, and when I asked their identity they would usually anger me by jokingly hinting at it - like I said, I was angered easily.

The drug has changed me more than I wanted it to. I wasn't too keen on the idea of taking it, because I think depression is just a state of mind that only you can cure yourself over time, not something a pill can help fix. I want to apologize to everyone I have alienated, angered, saddened, or if I have made you feel unwanted. Due to problems in my real-life, which none of you have control over, I began lashing out at people who were just trying to be friendly or ask me for help.

But this still doesn't explain why I 'faked my death'. I never said Kevin Moore died. I said Vash died. I was tired of using the alias. I wasn't unique, I didn't have a legacy, and I had no connections. Due to this pill I have lost passion in mapping. I cannot think of ideas anymore and the last map I released as hellfight - a map made in February. I killed off the alias and tried to leave it all behind. But I noticed people somewhat missed me. I have read the thread and I am deeply thankful. You all have shown me that while you may not show it all the time you still have a bit of care for a big idiot like me.

Hopefully the elimination of this pill will bring back the dumb Vash that everyone knew. Not this monster that psychiatrists have created...

btw vash sorry bout what happend, ive seen a similar instance happen with a friend.

Edit: Good luck , all rejoice many lives have been lost today. but we still have ourselves our friends and god. (if you belive in him *no religious contrevercies intended i just feel religious today*)

I am glad that you are not dead, Vash. I had hoped that it was your brother playing a trick or something. And about the psychiatrist thing, you don't have to worry about feeling out of place around me, I am a sociopath. (that is a person with little or no emotions, only the bad ones like anger and fear, but they have no remorse.) I also belive that things such as these are states of mind that can be fixed by the person affected. I have proved it thus, for i now have all SORTS of great emotions like happiness! Which I am experiencing at the news of your obvious alive-ness.

Merry Christmas, Vash! hey read my "night b4 christmas" poem in the general banter forum! I think you'll like it.

? quoting Tracer Bullet

? quoting Orpheus

/me waves

sometimes. less said, is best said.