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moms Joke Thread # 24
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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Dr Brasso on Fri Oct 28th at 2:57pm 2005

The man of the house

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I
can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"


His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess."

Dr Brasso...





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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by OtZman on Fri Oct 28th at 3:17pm 2005

<img src=" SRC="images/smiles/icon_lol.gif"> nice one



What the Snarkpitters listen to!



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Underdog on Fri Oct 28th at 3:47pm 2005

I think the funniest thing I have read this year was in book #6 of Harry Potter.

Dumbledore is talking to Vernon.

Vernon: "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude.."

Dumbledore: :"..and yet, accidental rudeness happens all to frequently. Best to not say anything at all."

I had cramps from laughing so hard. I couldn't help but transpose Dumbledore's words upon many members here. <img src=" SRC="images/smiles/icon_lol.gif">




There is no history until something happens, then there is.



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by SpoolE on Fri Oct 28th at 5:36pm 2005

^^




I would love to change the world, But they would'nt give me the source code.



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by FatStrings on Fri Oct 28th at 6:39pm 2005

rofl on both accounts





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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by French Toast on Fri Oct 28th at 9:12pm 2005

...Chuckle <img src=" SRC="images/smiles/icon_smile.gif">




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Nickelplate on Fri Oct 28th at 10:11pm 2005

rofl on both counts.


I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by GreenDragon on Fri Oct 28th at 10:59pm 2005

A man comes home from work, sits down on his favorite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.

The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but goes to get him another beer.

"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing the second one.

"Thats it!" his wife screams. "I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think thats how it works you got another thing comming!"

"Damn," mutters the husband, "It started.".


I sell useless stuff to stoned people

PixelGames



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by fishy on Sat Oct 29th at 12:09am 2005

on the day of great great grandmothers 100th birthday, the whole family gets together for a huge garden party. the old dear is sat in her wheelchair in a sunny spot, and throughout the day various members of the family come to her with their good wishes, and so on. seeing as she is stone deaf, she just sort of sat there, nodding and smiling as the proccession wore on.

after a few hours of this, one of the grandsons, himself in his 60's, sees that the old girl is leaning heavily to one side, so he decides that all the activity must be a strain, and gets a pillow to prop her up again.

after another hour or so, and many more nods and smiles, the old girl began to sway to the other side, and was promptly propped up again with more pillows, by another of her worried grandsons.

then it came time for little timmy to say hi to granny. being a bright child, he had the forethought to take along a pencil and paper, so he could write down what he wanted to say.

granny seemed pleased at this, and gestured for the pad. timmy's mum sees this from across the garden, and shouts to him, asking what granny has written. she says "the bastards won't let me fart", mom.




i eat paint



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by FatStrings on Sat Oct 29th at 4:42am 2005

aha!



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Andrei on Sat Oct 29th at 8:52am 2005

Dad told me this one:


The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:

If it doesn't move, hide behind it.

If it does move, surrender to it.


And these aswell:

*Why did the Supreme Soviet decided to invade Afghanistan?

They decided to begin alphabetically.





*Why is the Soviet Sun so joyful in the morning ?

Because it knows that by evening it will be in the West.






*It will be even worse!' cries the pessimist.
'It can't get any worse,' the optimist answers.
[sic]



*When Nixon visited the USSR, Brezhnev showed him a Soviet phone of the latest technology in which it was possible to call Hell. Nixon called the Devil. The conversation cost only 27 Kopecks.

Upon returning to America, Nixon told everyone about the Soviet marvel. But as it turned out such a phone had been invented in America a long time ago. Nixon again called Hell, but this time the conversation cost 12 thousand dollars!

Nixon, understandedly upset, cried, 'But in the USSR a phone call to Hell costs only 27 kopecks!'

'Yes sir, but there it was a local call.'







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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by French Toast on Sat Oct 29th at 12:58pm 2005

I feel so naieve sometimes... what does [sic] mean?




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Andrei on Sat Oct 29th at 2:40pm 2005

Sense In Context.




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Biological Component on Sat Oct 29th at 2:51pm 2005

It indicates that quoted material, especially containing a grammatical error, has been kept in its original form.



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by French Toast on Sat Oct 29th at 2:55pm 2005

Ahh, many thanks.




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Andrei on Sat Oct 29th at 4:25pm 2005

? quote:
It indicates that quoted material, especially containing a grammatical error, has been kept in its original form.


Yep, but it also indicates that the quoted material is context sensitive, as in it's meanings change relative to the context in which it's being used.




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by fraggard on Sat Oct 29th at 4:31pm 2005

? quote:
Yep, but it also indicates that the quoted material is context sensitive, as in it's meanings change relative to the context in which it's being used.


Uh, no.




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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Andrei on Sat Oct 29th at 6:34pm 2005

/me attempts to scan massive dictionary; fails.

BTW, this was a joke thread, wasn't it?

So have another:

Landing at a hidden military base
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"





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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Gaara on Sun Oct 30th at 1:27am 2005

In the near future...

Son: Dad, what was 9/11?
Dad: That was when the muslims ran two planes into two towers
Son: Dad?
Dad: Yes?
Son: Whats a muslim?




Reckless disregard for childrens well being, women and nothing but utter contempt for other cultures.



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 Re: moms Joke Thread # 24
Posted by Underdog on Sun Oct 30th at 1:50am 2005

"A sign of the times"

A dad gives a ball to his son for his birthday. After a few minutes of contemplation the son looks at his dad and asks, "What does it do?"




There is no history until something happens, then there is.




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