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Re: Embarrassing Stories
Posted by Addicted to Morphine on Wed Mar 8th at 4:41pm 2006

Reminded of the "non-aroused random boner" (NARB) phenomenon while posting in the "How's That Again" thread I decided to come over here and share my most embarrassing story.

So, a little less than four years ago I was in the hospital about to get surgery. It was the summer after my Junior year in highschool and I was getting a deviated septum straightened to help me breathe better and stop snoring.

It was about 30 minutes before I was due for surgery, and I was waiting in the pre-op room in the hospital all by myself. I was wearing a hospital gown at this point, (you know the type where it only ties in the back and you feel very very naked at all times) lying in bed watching TV. The room itself had two beds as I recall, and I was in the furthest one from the door. I distinctly remember watching Gilligan's Island on TV when all of a sudden I got a phantom boner, a NARB.

Trust me, it wasn't from Ginger or any of the other lovely castaways... it was just pure randomness, but I figured it would go away soon. 10 minutes pass and this phantom boner is still lurking beneath the sheets. I start to get a little worried. Having to deal with it in front of nurses and my parents is a distinct possibility that I don't ever want to happen. So I try to think about stuff that would make this phantom boner go away. I try thinking about cold showers, running, playing baseball, dead kittens... the works.

10 more minutes pass and there's no change. I'm getting really worried now. I try not thinking about it with the hope that it will go away, but to this day I'm convinced that the minute you're desperate for an erection to go away, you're screwed because it won't.

So... finally the door of the room opens and this elderly female nurse with a wheelchair is waiting at the door with my parents. "It's time for surgery!" She cheerily announces.

My mind is racing at this point. In any normal phantom boner situation I would have gone for the "up-tuck". This tried and true procedure has been independently discovered by every male sometime over the course of puberty and it consist of sliding the boner upwards and tucking it firmly between the belt / waistline of the pants. Normally, this completely conceals the problem. However, in my situation the "up-tuck" was useless, as I didn't have a belt let alone a waistline, just a one-piece, flowing, breezy cotton hospital gown.

Realizing I have to do something I swing my legs out of the bed away from my parents and the nurse. My mind is racing furiously. Finally, out of pure desperation I try the unorthodox and never before tried "back-tuck." Only a man in my desperate position would have come up with this s**tty idea. Basically, I attempted to tuck my boner between my legs and keep it there by squeezing my legs together. This would be possible, though uncomfortable, without an erection, and I can assure you with an erection it was a painful painful experience.

But I was desperate. So having the "back-tuck" in place... I start to waddle over towards the nurse and my parents. It was probably only 5 or 10 meters from me to the door, but in my panicked state it seemed like an entire football field stretched out before me. The fact that I couldn't walk normally and had to waddle slowly and carefully towards them, while pretending everything was normal and that I wasn't walking like a jackass didn't make the distance any shorter.

So of course, halfway between the bed and the grinning elderly nurse with the wheelchair the unorthodox "back-tuck" fails me. My phantom boner comes swinging out from between my legs... rapping the front of the hospital gown like a jack-in-box.... and stays there like a f**king tent pole.

In that one moment in time... my entire world was in shambles. My mother's mouth dropped. The nurse's face grew crimson red... and I couldn't even look at my dad. But I acted quickly.

I immediately launched myself towards the wheelchair. As I flew through the air I rotated my body away from the trio of stunned adults and landed ass first into the wheelchair... hunched over like I had a stomach cramp.

I was mortified. There is no other word for it. I can still remember being wheeled down that long hospital corridor ... passing room after room of patients, thinking to myself how amazing the anesthesia is gonna be -- so I don't have to be conscious anymore.

That was, by far, the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. I can laugh about it now, and I tell this story often to my friends (they can't stop laughing when I do)... and I thought some of you might enjoy it.

Alright, have you got a story more embarrassing than mine?

Addicted to Morphine
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Registered: Feb 15th 2005