Orpheus
member
13860 posts
2024 snarkmarks
Registered:
Aug 26th 2001
Occupation: Long Haul Trucking
Location: Long Oklahoma - USA
One day Unseth emerged from a hole in the sky...Falling Down in a blazing speed without a parachute... When suddenly he crashed through the fuselage of a passing jet liner. He stood up amongst the stunned passengers and said:"Ejoop - Get in the loop, no, it just doesn't have that ring to it does it...Well sorry to bother you, catch you later!" at which point he opens the door of the plane and....dives headlong into the abyss of darkness, from which he never may return, until he spots a forum and reaches for a last gasp grasp, and .......wakes up from the horrible and recurring nightmare he was having. He decides to go see a psychiatrist, who tells him..."sup Dawg, sapnin Seth?" Unseth looks confused and the mans head grows into a big devil head and flames emerge as he says ..."Unseth, I am your father!" Unseth and the demonic psychiatrist begin dueling with light sabers, until finally the psychiatrist gets lucky and, with a swift upward stroke, slices off Unseth's right hand. The severed hand flips through the air, out the window, and lands on...
My Head. I fall backward and die and then Unseth Screams "Oh my god, They killed Pulze. You Bastards!" And...Orpheus, sensing Unseth in peril, comes barreling down the street in a souped up golf cart. He ramps off of Pulze's lifeless body and crashes through the psychiatrist's window, whereupon......he is attacked by a bunch of possessed demonic beavers weaving hammers and... Sickles. They were Lesser-Spotted Communist Russian Beavers angry at the fact that...the capitalist pigs held sway over the free world, flexing their economical might, braying about the immorality of denying freedom to the oppressed, whilst simultaneously enforcing their will and culture over lesser nations with impunity.
'The time has come for a revolution!' They squeaked, brandishing their ceremonial sickles. Orpheus...being the steadfast guardian of good against evil that he is, leaped over the sandbags and manhandled the 50 cal nuclear tipped Rpg mount...cutting the angry beavers down like....beavers. Apparently the army of beavers had been at the disposal of the demonic psychiatrist, who at this moment was crawling toward the door to escape. Orpheus nudged the smoking Rpg mount to point toward the door, and having uttered a very witty one-liner, blasted the psychiatrist from our plane of reality.And thats whats what we believe, but his a demon and cannot be killed with any weapons on this face of the planet. Resurrecting Pulze the psychiatrist did and Pulze said "I will not fail Orph!" throwing him a silver pole so he can...
INTERLUDE:
Orph wakes up from a coma to find yet another story, it seems to have been going on right under his nose, or since he is old and fat, it could have very well been right out in the open and his chubby eyes failed to acknowledge it.
way off in the distance he can hear the mournful wail of the coal train, as it thunders along its appointed path to... well thats another story.
... dance around like a fairy. "Look at me!" said Orpheus, deftly twirling the silver pole while prancing about the room. The psychiatrist, initially confused, responded by... grabbing the pole and shoving it up Orphs arse. A huge struggle ensued and Orph managed to free the pole. however, something else came out along with the pole, it was deja_vu3. Out of nowhere Orph grabbed alien_sniper...and beat him into a bloody quivering mess. Sceaming something disturbingly graphic about crocodile clips, a car battery and nipples. All Alien Sniper could do to weather this vicious and spiteful onslaught...
Interlude.
Ice creams, Ice creams, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, I got Ice cream only ?1, $1.8, ?1.6 Drinks on the foyer.
End of interlude!
Orph manages to retain some small portion of dignity, when he begins a rather detailed explanation about the pro's and con's of anal probing and the medicinal benefits gain be enlarging the lower colon with metal objects... it was about this time that proctor noticed,
that the new turn of events had created an environment ripe for good-natured jabs at his name. Proctor decided to take the opportunity to explain that his name is Proctor and not proctologist. Whilst engaged in this, Alien Sniper surprised everyone and...that Andrei was making funny sounds behind his back while...Proctor is indeed not in relation to anything anal, Orph proclaims, it is in some way related to infantile stuff, as in "Proctor and Gambol"
the crowd snickers and adds their own sounds behind the backs of all involved, later after many anal probes and mettle insurgences, the crowd moves on to talk of supper, since the colon was devoid of anything noteworthy at that point.
Alien Sniper proclaimed.... that the law of gravity doesn't exist and that 2 plus 2 equals five. And then he knew: he loved Big Brother.Then, suddenly, they all hear a loud squeak and the room fills with hungry nasty mad snarks...Just after that The roof collapse and from the hole in the celling Big momma drops down and starting to s**t out its small head crabs, Suddenly one head crab made a giant leap for...the ventilation shaft, when he noticed a female head crab that was giving him eyes across the room. Seeing this, the male head crab then..Ranaway in disgust of such ugliness. So Big Momma now pissed that the head crab sex show was off, and it wasn't getting shagged either turned to proctor, Pulze and Andy (who by this time was too tired from metal pole arse probing to fight back)and in one big blow Big Momma ....cleaved mrksmt's hollow skull in half, exposing the small shell pea inside, now bouncing harmlessly to the metal deck, and rolling into the crapper....as our hero Orpheus has been de-poled, his hands are free after holding his s**t together as long as he could, he grabs Big Mama by the....by the leg and tosses it out the window, from the 25th floor and falls down on ellpooty (note: thought it was about time we incriminated him) who... happen to be examining the pole that had recently been evicted from orphs posterior..
suddenly a loud whooshing sound came from....An apache just outside the window on the 25th floor. Pulze Screamed "Get Down" As the apache helicopter showed what it was made of, Then..
ellpooty, realizing that he was still holding the fouled pole, tossed it over toward ...REX, who in quick thinking, shoved it back up Orph's arse, impaling him completely, and took out his chicken gun. With the shot of just one s**t propelled egg, took out the apache without a problem. Quickly REX swiped some Elmer's Glue and...pasted some leftover macaroni onto a piece of construction paper that was lying next to him. He formed the international sign for peace...Upon completion of the sign, REX smelled something odd. Apparently the glue and macaroni had formed some sort of chemical mixture that...when combined with the doo doo residue of the pole he recently manhandled up my ass coughs orphs ass had formed a chemical aphrodisiac, it was about this time that Rex spotted alien_sniper and..Andy, who were fighting over a dead squirrel that...Freeman had earlier killed in the Black Mesa, (for fun, simply)... Anyway, during their fighting, Alien_Sniper...still dazed from having been beaten up by Orph, picked up the phone and called Hogan's Hoagies. He ordered a 24 foot hoagie, with lots of vinegar, and a jar of crisp Clausen pickles... because by this time, the whole gang was pretty hungry. But just as Alien_Sniper was putting down the phone...He realized he forgot to say bye before he hanged up and recalled to do so, Then once again just as he was about to hang up...Tom Norman walks in, in full British military regalia.. alien_sniper is so flabbergasted he drops the phone on his foot, which has no shoes on it, because everyone knows that Irish kids walk bare footed..Tom approaches A_S and...suddenly stops, seeing Andy's maniacal look."Hey, Norm!" he says while waving a red button with dangling wires, ripped from a console "I've still got that nuke!!!""excellent" says Tom, glancing at the red button. Seeing the wires hanging from the device Tom utters "looks like it needs some work, guess we'll have to..."Pulze Interrupts "..read the f**king manual for this Mark IV Thermonuclear device. Says step by step, Indispose the gravatronic rev limiter to 11, Rotate red knob to the on position and the press Button B, The nuke got an effective range of 50 kilometers so we better... Well Tom, You explain what to do after that. will ya?" "Sure Pulze. Then you start running. Its really simple in fact... first you raise your right leg up, and while leaning forward, you extend it forward and down toward the ground. As soon as the right foot hits the ground, you pull the left leg up in a similar motion, making sure-"
All of a sudden Brasso burst through a wall like the Kool-Aid mascot, and said:"anybody wanna buy a watch?" ....after the shock and scare of this devilishly handsome fellow had worn off, and the ladies had recovered their composure, he sent his good friend and hero of our story, the recently defamed and defiled Orpheus Rex to the proctologist, the infamous one known solely as "Proctor", who then.....over heard Pulze coughing out "Wacko"...cough you have no idea...."Well, we got the nuke, and this whole thing is getting out of hand; better wrap it up" REX kicks back in a plastic lawn chair and opens a bottle of Lindemans Kriek Cherry Lambic beer. "Ahh, lustrous garnet. Ripe sour cherry nose. A vibrant entry leads to a medium-bodied palate with a wonderful balance of fruity sweetness and subdued dry lambic character. Finishes with a touch of bitter cherry skin flavor... Ah yes, this has some nice traditional character though it is far more accessible and suitable for casual drinkers than the rarefied traditional styles of fruit lambic, you see..." Just then, after a forceful entry from the rear, a metal pole popped out of Rex's face. It was..." in stark contrast to the pole orientation that had recently been
