moms Joke Thread # 24

The man of the house

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I
can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess."

Dr Brasso... :dodgy:

nice one

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What the Snarkpitters listen to!

I think the funniest thing I have read this year was in book #6 of Harry Potter.

Dumbledore is talking to Vernon.

Vernon: "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude.."

Dumbledore: :"..and yet, accidental rudeness happens all to frequently. Best to not say anything at all."

I had cramps from laughing so hard. I couldn't help but transpose Dumbledore's words upon many members here.

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There is no history until something happens, then there is.

^^

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I would love to change the world, But they would'nt give me the source code.

rofl on both accounts

...Chuckle :smile:

rofl on both counts.

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I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

A man comes home from work, sits down on his favorite chair, turns on the TV and says to his wife, "Quick bring me a beer before it starts." She's puzzled but goes and gets him a beer anyway.

The guy quickly downs the beer and says, "Quick, get me another beer. It's about to start." His wife huffs a little but goes to get him another beer.

"One more before it starts!" the husband yells out after finishing the second one.

"Thats it!" his wife screams. "I cook, clean, wash, and iron all day then you waltz in here, flop your fat ass down and expect me to run around like your slave! If you think thats how it works you got another thing comming!"

"Damn," mutters the husband, "It started.".

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I sell useless stuff to stoned people

PixelGames

on the day of great great grandmothers 100th birthday, the whole family gets together for a huge garden party. the old dear is sat in her wheelchair in a sunny spot, and throughout the day various members of the family come to her with their good wishes, and so on. seeing as she is stone deaf, she just sort of sat there, nodding and smiling as the proccession wore on.

after a few hours of this, one of the grandsons, himself in his 60's, sees that the old girl is leaning heavily to one side, so he decides that all the activity must be a strain, and gets a pillow to prop her up again.

after another hour or so, and many more nods and smiles, the old girl began to sway to the other side, and was promptly propped up again with more pillows, by another of her worried grandsons.

then it came time for little timmy to say hi to granny. being a bright child, he had the forethought to take along a pencil and paper, so he could write down what he wanted to say.

granny seemed pleased at this, and gestured for the pad. timmy's mum sees this from across the garden, and shouts to him, asking what granny has written. she says "the bastards won't let me fart", mom.

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i eat paint

aha!

Dad told me this one:

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
If it does move, surrender to it.

And these aswell:

<br style="font-style: italic;">*Why did the Supreme Soviet decided to invade Afghanistan?<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
They decided to begin alphabetically.

*Why is the Soviet Sun so joyful in the morning ?<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
Because it knows that by evening it will be in the West.

<br style="font-style: italic;">
*It will be even worse!' cries the pessimist.<br style="font-style: italic;">

<br style="font-style: italic;">
'It can't get any worse,' the optimist answers.

[sic]<br style="font-style: italic;">

*When Nixon visited the USSR, Brezhnev
showed him a Soviet phone of the latest technology in which it was
possible to call Hell. Nixon called the Devil. The conversation cost
only 27 Kopecks.<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
Upon returning to America, Nixon told
everyone about the Soviet marvel. But as it turned out such a phone had
been invented in America a long time ago. Nixon again called Hell, but
this time the conversation cost 12 thousand dollars!<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
Nixon, understandedly upset, cried, 'But in the USSR a phone call to Hell costs only 27 kopecks!'<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
'Yes sir, but there it was a local call.'

I feel so naieve sometimes... what does [sic] mean?

Sense In Context.

It indicates that quoted material, especially containing a grammatical error, has been kept in its original form.

Ahh, many thanks.

It indicates that quoted material, especially containing a grammatical error, has been kept in its original form.

Yep, but it also indicates that the quoted material is context
sensitive, as in it's meanings change relative to the context in which
it's being used.

Yep, but it also indicates that the quoted material is context
sensitive, as in it's meanings change relative to the context in which
it's being used.

Uh, no.

/me attempts to scan massive dictionary; fails.

BTW, this was a joke thread, wasn't it?

So have another:

Landing at a hidden military base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very
surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They
immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an
interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force
started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight
during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was
lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a
terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way
on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my
wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

In the near future...

Son: Dad, what was 9/11?
Dad: That was when the muslims ran two planes into two towers
Son: Dad?
Dad: Yes?
Son: Whats a muslim?

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Reckless disregard for childrens well being, women and nothing but utter contempt for other cultures.

"A sign of the times"

A dad gives a ball to his son for his birthday. After a few minutes of contemplation the son looks at his dad and asks, "What does it do?"

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There is no history until something happens, then there is.

French Toast said:
I feel so naieve sometimes... what does [sic] mean?

Yeah, pretty much means that a spelling or grammatical error was intended

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I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Nickelplate</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>

Yeah, pretty much means that a spelling or grammatical error was intended

</DIV></DIV>
You mean kinda like Nickel bag?

(yeah, I am THAT OLD!)

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There is no history until something happens, then there is.

In the near future...
Son: Dad, what was 9/11?
Dad: That was when the muslims ran two planes into two towers
Son: Dad?
Dad: Yes?
Son: Whats a muslim?

Hehe, it reminds me of this one:

At the end of an international peace conference, a renown islamic
leader walks up to George Bush (Jr), who was just getting ready to
leave, and asks whether he could spare a moment of his time to
discuss an interesting cultural issue. Bush smiles and says "Of
course". "My son, said the muslim, watches this show called
<<Star Trek>>, and there are many white, black and asian
actors in there, but never any muslims." to which Bush grins and
whispers "Well, that's because the plot takes place in the future."

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Reckless disregard for childrens well being, women and nothing but utter contempt for other cultures.

Nice jokes guys, but about the muslims joke, andrei, im a muslim here,
and i really dont like people go off joking about my religion..

-Thank you

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.::Dark|Masta::. - One name. One legend.

agreed dark killer.....i apologize for the lack of sensitivity.....mom will tell me joke after joke after joke, but they are never intended to be mean spirited or genuinly degrading....but, ya have to understand the mindset in america these days...(not all, but alot) of people are quite paranoid of a serious war happening on our soil...its kinda like waiting for an unseen predator in the bush, weapon at the ready, and ya know hes there, but ya cant see him readily, and it unconciously begins to permeate every aspect of like, to a degree....im not trying to justify the mindset, just explain it.... sorry if i started a problem....was not my intention....

Dr Brasso.....

I have no clue why you are apologizing Doc. It wasn't you who crossed the line however, I do think that it would have been prudent had you, or Dark|Killer referred the individuals to my first joke.

It would have sent a proper message.

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There is no history until something happens, then there is.

Dr.Brasso, you have nothing to do with it, yet thank you for
understanding, and underdog, none of your jokes had to do anything with
my religion..

Lol, its just that i really dont like poeple making Jokes, on my religion..

Lets just get back to the topic :smile:

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.::Dark|Masta::. - One name. One legend.

Nice jokes guys, but about the muslims joke, andrei, im a muslim here,
and i really dont like people go off joking about my religion..

-Thank you

No offence intended, bud. :smile: And I wouldn't care so much if I were you, people joke about everything shamelessly anyway (including about my own religion and about people of transylvanian origin, like me, the bloody bastards!).

Ok, back on track:

<br style="font-style: italic;">
How do you destroy an alb*ni*n tank? You shoot the guy that's pushing it.<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">
What do you call two alb*ni*n soldiers armed with sticks on the beach? The coast guard.

<br style="font-style: italic;">
<br style="font-style: italic;">

Nice jokes guys, but about the muslims joke, andrei, im a muslim here,
and i really dont like people go off joking about my religion..

-Thank you

No offence intended, bud. :smile: And I wouldn't care so much if I were you, people joke about everything shamelessly anyway (including about my own religion).

Well, i guess you're right, hehe, its ok dude, this is a crazy world anyway :razz:

Anyway, i have loads of mother jokes, if its ok to post some here, here is an example:

Your mother is so fat, that when she passed by, i missed 5 tv commercials...

Your mother is so fat, that you can slap her butt and surf a wave...

I dont know if i can post them up here, they may look kinda rude, or more towards insulting...

If its ok to post more, tell me guys :smile:

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.::Dark|Masta::. - One name. One legend.

ok...ill try this again.... :smile:

and btw dark....youve seen whats posted....use yer best common sense and good taste.....youll be fine im sure ... :wink:

Ole was working at the fish plant up nort in Duluth when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at
Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord - it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you
bring da fingers?"

To which Ole says........ (Are you ready for this???)

"How da hell was I suppose to pick dem up? "

The US Postal Service recently issued a stamp with a picture of
President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements.
In daily use it has been shown that the stamp is not sticking to envelopes.

This has enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special presidential commission has made
the following three findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3) It seems that people are just spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

shes 75 now.....im rteally gonna miss her if and when she kicks..... :/

Dr Brasso... :dodgy:

It takes 3 things to learn how to fly.

1) Hard work.

2) Perseverance

3) Hard work.

You said hard work twice.

Thats be cause it takes twice as much work.

-Chicken Run

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There is no history until something happens, then there is.

i thought you had to fall and miss the ground to fly

Yeah, Douglas Adams said that.

"All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss."

Hehe, reminds me of a joke our flight instructor made (note: he despises any aircraft without fixed wings):

Helicopters don't fly; they're just so ugly that the ground repeals them.

Sorry Dark|Killer no offense intended.

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Reckless disregard for childrens well being, women and nothing but utter contempt for other cultures.

T'is a very nice quote:

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

? Dave Barry. There is no concourse D at O'Hare

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RUST Gamedesign
pepper design

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.