was looking at a backup of old "My Briefcase" files.. and i found the beginning of a story i wrote back in freshman year! i lost this a while ago, and considered revisiting the idea of a fantasy novel, but never got it started. strangely enough, despite it was so long ago, i like how this one begins. waddya yall think? i need a better name than julius, i know. heh:



<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quote:</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>

<BLOCKQUOTE dir=ltr style="MARGIN-RIGHT: 0px"><SPAN class=postbody>
With every swing of his blade, he grasps the hilt tighter; with every parry, his resolve more profound. The utter savagery of the display paralleled to that of his prey, surpassing it shortly thereafter. This ascension from man to monster could only be fueled by the hate, vengeance, and conviction which [color=red]dwell within him.[/color]



His sword drawn, he dashed again toward the Drakin, dodging the barrage of flame and debris. There would be no stopping him by these means, which the Drakin quickly realized. Arriving in range, he pulled his sword back, and lunged. The massive beast?s scaled claws posed little resistance as it tried to defend itself. The blade alone, longer than the wielder is tall, becomes a juggernaut once swung. Through the beast?s claw, and then its neck, the sword carried out its deed for the wielder. Wounded, it broke away, spread its vast wings, and took flight. Then, [color=red]with a thunderous pound, it fell from the sky. The Drakin was slain.[/color]

Standing over the carcass, victorious, the man drew a knife from his belt. Making incisions in the creature?s armor, he scoured the innards. The ritual, though seemingly barbaric, bore fruit from the creature?s chest ? [color=red]a Drakryst. The flesh of the beast immediately disintegrated into ash, leaving only the bones. Stashing the jewel in his satchel, he securely sheathed his sword upon his back, and continued his trek through the sands.[/color]



In this world, few things strike fear into the fiery hearts of the Drakin, let alone any man. The man of exception is known only as [color=red]Stadric.[/color]



[/quote]</DIV></DIV></SPAN>

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the players tried to take the field
the marching band refused to yield

I'm immune to fantasy stuff (probably the only person in the world who fell asleep during all three LotR movies) and the first sentence contains 3 words I never heard of (which I think means it's well written). But writing fantasy novels is the way to go if you want to get rich and famous today. So give it a go and finish it! :biggrin:

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Why snark works.

With every swing of his blade, he grasps the hilt tighter; with every parry, his resolve becomes more profound. The utter savagery of the display paralleled to that of his prey, surpassing it shortly thereafter. This ascension from man to monster could only be fueled by the hate, vengeance, and conviction which lay within him.
His sword drawn, he dashed again toward the Drakin, dodging the barrage (barrage describes debris better than flames) of flame and debris. There would be no stopping him by these means, which the Drakin quickly realized. Arriving in range, he pulled his sword back, and lunged. The massive beast?s scaled claws posed little resistance as it tried to defend itself. The blade alone, longer than the wielder is tall, becomes a juggernaut once swung. Through the beast?s claw, and then its neck, the sword carried out its deed(word choice, maybe 'intent'?) for the wielder. Wounded, it broke away, spread its vast wings, and took flight. Then, without a thunderous pound(word choice, maybe 'cry', or something alluding to it?), it fell from the sky. The Drakin was slain.
Standing over the carcass, victorious, the man drew a knife from his belt. Making incisions in the creature?s armor, he scoured the innards. The ritual, though seemingly barbaric, bore fruit from the creature?s chest ? a Drakryst. The flesh of the beast immediately disintegrated into ash, leaving only the bones. Stashing the jewel in his satchel, he securely sheathes(sheathed?) his sword upon his back, and continues(continued?) on his trek through the sands.
In this world, few things strike fear into the fiery hearts of the Drakin, let alone any man. The man of exception is known only as Julius.

What can I say, I'm a critic.
I'm sure I missed something grammatically, but I'm not much of a grammar Nazi.

The narrative style is good, there's good imagery, but I struggled with the delivery (see red).

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Also change the texture of the dock. Docks are rarely tile. -Facepunch
As I Lay Dying

Removing that becomes creates a sensation of haste and tension, as it is a battle scene after all.

The narrative style is good, there's good imagery, but I struggled with the delivery (see red).

yea, this was back at the end of freshman year.. like in 2001? It pains me to see the mixup of past/present tense, lie/lay, and even writing "without" instead of "with".. but yea, i like the scene. =D and btw:

barrage

<TABLE class=luna-Ent>

<TR>
<TD class=dn vAlign=top>1.</TD>
<TD vAlign=top><SPAN class=labset>Military. </SPAN>a heavy barrier of artillery fire to protect one's own advancing or retreating troops or to stop the advance of enemy troops. </TD></TR></TABLE>
<TABLE class=luna-Ent>

<TR>
<TD class=dn vAlign=top>2.</TD>
<TD vAlign=top>an overwhelming quantity or explosion, as of words, blows, or criticisms: a barrage of questions. </TD></TR></TABLE>

deed

<TABLE class=luna-Ent>

<TR>
<TD class=dn vAlign=top>1.</TD>
<TD vAlign=top>something that is done, performed, or accomplished; an act: Do a good deed every day. </TD></TR></TABLE>
<TABLE class=luna-Ent>

<TR>
<TD class=dn vAlign=top>2.</TD>
<TD vAlign=top>an exploit or achievement; feat: brave deeds. </TD></TR></TABLE>
<TABLE class=luna-Ent>

<TR>
<TD class=dn vAlign=top>3.</TD>
<TD vAlign=top>an act or gesture, esp. as illustrative of intentions, one's character, or the like: Her deeds speak for themselves. </TD></TR></TABLE>

i'll revise it real quick..

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the players tried to take the field
the marching band refused to yield

i like it boobs....gj....of course, you will surely pursue the grammatical/structural demons, but its a good start....just get it on paper, covering the layout and storyline, and make damn sure the "God of Boulders" doesnt see the unfinished drafts too soon...

Doc B... :dodgy:

You still use paper?

You still use paper?

And...and that rudimentary carbon based writing instrument...! Ehh, what's it called? Oh yeah, a pen...uhh...cicle! Yeah, that's it. :heee:

It feels extremely contrived. It seems like you're trying very hard to sound like a good writer.

That's my criticism.

Well it's about time someone recognized my mythical beast slaying powers. :razz:

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Also change the texture of the dock. Docks are rarely tile. -Facepunch
As I Lay Dying

<span style="color: white;">

Well it's about time someone recognized my mythical beast slaying powers. :razz:

Do you take care of giant rats too?
</span>

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''Everyone wades in s**t until they're competent enough to walk on it. Jesus style.''
Dystopia - Empires

heh, i was more wondering about the introduction of who would be my protagonist.. not the writing faults of 5 years ago. however, considering it's being taken so seriously, maybe i'm onto something. =D sankyu

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the players tried to take the field
the marching band refused to yield

If you're gonna resume work on this story, and you want some crits let me know and I'll go grammar-fuhrer on it, otherwise I'll just keep mapping.

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o

Someday soon, I am going to add a new chapter or three to my Snarkpit train saga. :smile:

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The best things in life, aren't things.