For my fellow readers

I've been wishing there was a snarkish place on the web for amature writers, but I realized I need look no further, since there seem to many avid readers right here who I know are willing to give brutaly honest feedback on anything. so with out further ado, I give you my first attempt at a novel. Or at least the first bit of it.

http://www.snarkpit.com/pits/tracer%20bullet/No_title.htm

phwoar, gw tracer :smile:

quite a good writing style, and i like the theme :smile:

i've only written short action stories

TB, this is actually quite good..... :biggrin:

im going to arrogantly assume this is a first and rough draft, because it has many of the usual initial, unpolished quirks in it, but you have a very, very good start on it my friend....im impressed....genuinely...keep on it....GJ

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

I have 3 other friends that are writing some stuff for my web page, would You like or mind if I had yours there for download to read as well? I convert it all into PDF's.

($)

Very nice by the way..

I apreciate the offer Money, but I'd rather keep it in the pit at least for now.

Yes it is a first and rough draft, but I won't be doing any revision untill i'm completly done with it.

I think I know what you are talking about Doc, but could you give me a specific example, other than my plethora of typos, so I'm sure we are on the same page?

I'm pleased to have such a positive responce. when the only people you have showed it to are your closest friends, it's hard to know if you are really geting perfectly objective feedback, so it's good to hear this rom an outside and trusted source.

bottom line though, if you picked this up in a bookstore, would you buy it?

also, any ideas for a title?

sure, i'd be honored to give you my idea of constructive feedback....if you will allow me, ill take some notes, and deposit them ....where?....here?...or in a pm?....yer call....but once again, i must say, you have a very nice style.... :wink: GJ

a couple quick questions if i may.....

1...do you have a complete story line completed, as in notes yer working from, or some such? or is this being written "on the fly", so-to-speak?

2...do you have constraints , either self-imposed, or as per a school assignment.....i'm really hoping you are just doing this out of the sheer love of writing, and not because "some teacher commanded it"... :heee:

well done....

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

this is not intended to be a cop-out, but i'd rather not answer the "would you buy it" question till i read at least a completed rough draft....im a prick that way... :heee:

Posting it here is fine.

I'm working from a very rough outline but I'm pretty much writing on the fly.

no there is are no constraints other than those which are self imposed. this is just for me, it's not an assignment.

There are of a couple of genreral goals for the book.

a. make things physicaly realistic

b. no magic

c. kill off characters the reader cares about.

for the most part though I let the story go where it wants and just fallow along for the ride.

I haven't actualy worked on it since school started in augest, but I'm hoping to get allot more written over christmass break.

Wow. Many congratulations are in order already; you've done more than I've ever pushed myself to attempt, by taking on the challenge of a full-length novel. Moreover, it's pretty good too :smile: As my best writing is short poetry, it's hard for me to offer properly-informed criticism of longer writing. It is so much easier for me to tear apart someone else's work than to write something even a fraction as good myself. Still, I shall offer what critical insight is granted me; the severity of my analysis should (paradoxically) indicate to you the depth of my respect for your skill.

Above all else, do not let criticism deflect you from continuing to write. It is because I believe you are well beyond the vulnerable beginnings of creative writing that I give such unrestrained comments.

~ * ~

Your rich diction and descriptive flair are put to good use in the story. It is always a pleasure to read the work of someone who understands the power of language to express more than a mere factual description of events and environments.

Your main characters, however, are generic and uninteresting. Lacin is the bland fantasy farmhand hero stereotype, with his "corded muscles" and "eighteenth birthday chapter-jump" syndrome. He is identified purely by the events of his life, and despite your considerable aplomb in describing these, they cannot by themselves combine to create a character with whom the reader will engage. Findah, on the other hand, is all green eyes and a warm body with a surprisingly practical head to go with it - she doesn't seem to have an independent existence beyond her role as a foil to Lacin and as the instrument of his sexual awakening (there's the eighteenth birthday syndrome again).

Bryan is by far the most interesting character to me, which, given that he appears towards the end of the story-so-far, should tell you something about how little Lacin has been developed in the earlier chapters. He has a certain "Stainless Steel Rat" promise about him. The only other nascent characters - as opposed to mere puppets or figures - that I can spot are the evil Lord Gadroon and his witch. The rest of the people flit by in a flurry of unrelenting narrative. I like the way you refer to incidental characters as "Growler", "Fatty" etc.; even better is the way that you weave this into the consciousness of Lacin. For me, the best part of the whole story is the moment when Lacin realises that he has unfairly dismissed a man - a man whom he is on the verge of killing - as "Horse". This is an insightful comment on the influence of names over our world view.

There are, as Doc has said, some odd quirks in your writing that serve not to lend it character but only to make it seem occasionally careless. This is to be expected of a draft; it is far better to block out the bulk of your story than to fret about every little detail as you go. However, just so you get an idea of what needs to be checked later (apart from outright typos), here are some details:

Occasionally you allow yourself a "presence" in the narrative where otherwise you are absent. This is noticeable in phrases like "I think you'll agree.....", which are directed at the reader from you. If you plan to establish a presence as "the narrator", it would be better to make it more consistent and perhaps more explicit.

You need to be careful to avoid letting your sentence structure become too loose. With any kind of formal writing it is important to pay close attention to grammar and in particular to punctuation. Bad punctuation can make your text very hard to read. Try to ease the burden on the reader by using good punctuation to give him hints - people read by a complex process of scanning ahead, which picks up punctuation as markers.

For example, instead of:

The morning of his eighteenth birthday dawned as gray and bleak as any other, there was never much sunlight on this part of the continent especially in the middle of winter.

Consider:

The morning of his eighteenth birthday dawned as gray and bleak as any other; there was never much sunlight on this part of the continent, especially in the middle of winter.

Many of your sentences are just too long and rambling. There are too many "-ing" words; your sentences are saturated with verbs. Avoid the temptation to use "-ing" verbs to cram a large amount of narrative into one sentence.

For example:

The smell of smoke was getting steadily stronger as Lacin stared wildly around the room cursing the pain still stabbing at his head, looking for anything that might help him.

There are 6 verbs in that sentence! Consider revising:

The smell of smoke was getting steadily stronger as Lacin stared wildly around the room. Cursing the pain that still stabbed at his head, he looked for anything that might help him.

The preceding points are concerned with fine detail, but the material with which they deal is symptomatic of a wider malaise. Your writing is hard work to read! Now, this could be in part because I am tired, but my judgement on these matters is rarely amiss.

One reason that I found your writing hard to read is this: you seem take a long time to say anything, but do not lavish any special attention on scenes of particular importance. In your story, every occurence is described with roughly the same level of detail. It's almost as if you are thinking, "Everything I say has to sound interesting, with at least one cunning metaphor or turn of phrase. Nothing must be bland and functional; every noun shall be embellished with its own adjective, every verb with its own adverb". The result is a relentless narrative that suffers from a flatness of detail.

You don't have to describe everything in detail. Conversely, it is often worth describing some things in a lot more detail. Descriptive content should not be applied like a suffocating blanket; instead, use passages of description to effect changes of pace in the story. Lavish description upon items of significance, but be aware that a constant background of descriptive sophistication tends to suffocate a story.

As an aside, I note that one of the very best descriptive passages I have come across is in the book "Watership Down". Immediately following arrival at Watership down - that is, following a passage of fairly fast narrative and dialogue - the author indulges in a beautiful, almost mystic, description of the down itself, framed in the light of the setting sun. The description serves as a welcome change of pace.

I think it would help to offer your readers some pauses in the narrative. As it stands, the story feels very "linear" - it's just a constant narrative. There is nothing much for the reader to anticipate or by which to be puzzled; he is swept along the narrative stream without time to reflect on the story. Give him something to which he will look forward! Give him something to dread! It might help to introduce some more dialogue. Dialogue could also function to engage the reader with your main characters some more.

That is my major criticism of your work. There are several distinct elements that contribute to the impression: loose and wandering sentence structure; weak characterisation; unrelenting narrative; descriptive uniformity and a lack of dialogue.

I remind you, however, that I am immensely impressed with the writing you have presented. Quite simply: you have the potential to become an author.

Wow, thanks Gollum. That's exactly the sort of critique I was hoping for.

I also had the feeling that Bryan was the most interesting character, but nothing as defined as what you have pointed out.

Thanks again to everyone who has commented.

I'm gone for the weekend.

i apologize for taking so long to respond with my critique, as i am feeling the full effects of the flu (thank you my darling youngest daughter... )....but, as it turns out, it may have been the best thing i could have had happen in this arena...i will tell you that my critique will be basicly along the same lines as God Of Boulders... :smile: , but quite honestly, much less tactful, as Micheal (if that is your real name.. :razz: ) quite obviously has an extremely superior grasp of the english language than i....i relinquish my head, and hand it to you on the plate.... :heee:

the one thing i will say, most emphaticly, is: DO NOT LET THIS, THESE, OR ANY OTHER CRITIC DISSUADE YOU FROM YOUR GOAL....YOU SIR, HAVE A TALENT, AND I SAY AGAIN....BRAVO!!!

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

ps....mikee, you never cease to amaze me as well....***dials up local college for enrollment... :heee:

I haven't gotten into actually reading this thing yet, but as a pre-comment, I gotta say not having an over-arching goal/conclusion/plotline and just writing and seeing where things go can create a serious problem with losing the will to finish writing the piece. I've faced this problem numerous times in pieces I've started writing. I would suggest you iron out some themes and general story arcs as soon as possible, solely for your benefit. There is nothing wrong with writing yourself notes and things outside what the reader is going to read so that you have a better understanding of your story!

Why is all the Chapters in German?

:eek: ....check yer settings man....

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

Again thanks to all.

The chapters are in german for no particular reason. it's the language I studied in school, and I never have any chance to use it.

Ih?ve studied German for 4 years, but still im as good as noob

Lets just say it wasn?t my favourite subject :razz:

TB, you've inspired me to have another go at writing a novel myself :smile: Whether anything shall come of it, I do not know. But I damn well ought to try!

if imay interject a thought, have you ever thought of writing technical manuals mike? :heee:

i say that with the utmost respect.... :wink:

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

Funny enough, no I haven't :razz:

it pays well.....im afraid they dont take kindly to "Godlike entities" though... :heee:

Doc Brass... :dodgy:

In that case I have no place in their demesne :biggrin: I'd rather go off and create my own worlds...

Thats the one thing I can't seem to do when writing... The longest story that I have ever written topped out at about 40 some pages, handwritten, single spaced. I can't seem to "create" a world, I can only show glimpses of one crashing about in my head. Which is kind of a shame, if you think about it...

I like to think that I do well with short glimpses though.

forgive me lord for what i am about to do.....mike....

how about talking to the "big guy" about fixing our f**kups on this world first eh??.... :heee:

Doc Brass... :dodgy: , but sincere.. :wink:

.....and monqui man, with hair like that, well....looks like a forty car pile-up....w00t! //runs like hell... :heee:

Well I'd be interested in your "short glimpses" Monqui :smile:

I'll see if I can find one that I've typed up recently... I can't stand doing creative writing in front of a computer, so most of my stuff I jot down into notebooks. I'm just not inspired in front of a monitor, I don't know why.

But I might have one or two things laying around back on my home PC. I'll post 'em if I find 'em.

Well, I'm glad I've stimulated some writing in others. it's very cool that there are such a relativly large number of us around.

one of these days ill break into the ole uncle Al archives and show you what a s**tty writer is all about... should make ya feel damn good about what yer putting out there TB... :heee:

i only stopped due to turning it to music, and then it just became a total lack of time.....but i haave some great memories to take to my grave some day... :wink:

and here i sit hackin on this damn thing.....whoda thunk it?...

Doc Brass... :dodgy: