Engineer jokes

Two engineering students crossing the campus when
one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the
clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice
as big as it needs
to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word
with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper
replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for
free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them
tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for
them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play
at night?"

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and
Civil Engineers
build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does
it work?" The
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does
it work?" The
graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
will it cost?" The
graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you
want fries with
that?"

Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It
was a mechanical
engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another
said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of
electrical connections." The last one said,
"Actually it was a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a
recreational area?"

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't
fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a
mistress. The architect
said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found
there. The
engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you
have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending
time with the other
woman, and you can go to the office and get some
work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog
called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer
took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING
you want." Again
the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put
it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the
matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with
you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The
engineer said,
"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a
talking frog, now that's cool!"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one
morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer
fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word
with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper
replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost
their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for
free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said,
"That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them
tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going
to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
can do for
them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play
at night?"

This one literally made me laugh out loud. :biggrin:

I don't get it :sad:

In better english, "Why don't they play at night instead?"... heh these jokes take a few readings to get, quite tough to read.

I got it straight away. It's funny because the other two show sympathy for blind firemen, yet the engineer (being completely devoid of emotion) opts that they play at night (and thus not when they are), seeing it won't bother them because they're blind. :biggrin:

Speaking as an engineering undergrad, they are pretty good :smile: I'm not sure about egineers not being interested in women, but they are funny none the less :smile:

Good jokes, but man I can't explain how much the forwarding >'s and awkward spacing gets to me. If it's funny enough to post, it's funny enough to post right.

Leperous said:
In better english, "Why don't they play at night instead?"... heh these jokes take a few readings to get, quite tough to read.

/me laughs that he understands the joke his brother does not.... aahhahahah

Then again as an architect it's my duty to take the piss out of the civil and structural engineers :razz:

Why? They know more about buildings than you do... You know more about designing buildings that look good and work better as a space.

i tried hard, but none were particularly good.. sorry.

all relied on a presumed stupidity.

reminds me of the one about modern children.. where the dad brings the kid home a ball for his birthday, the kid looks at the ball and asks.. "whats it do dad, whats it do?"

Those are pretty mean ...

They don't revolve around a central stupidity at all, but a narrow-minded focus outside of what is considered normal. This "Strong Comic Perspective" is what drives almost all comedy that doesn't revolve around cheap gross-outs and people getting hit in the crotch.

scary_jeff said:
Why? They know more about buildings than you do... You know more about designing buildings that look good and work better as a space.

We get paid more and are more important :razz:

Cash Car Star said:
They don't revolve around a central stupidity at all, but a narrow-minded focus outside of what is considered normal. This "Strong Comic Perspective" is what drives almost all comedy that doesn't revolve around cheap gross-outs and people getting hit in the crotch.

then, call me biased, i was a combat engineer for 5 years.. i would not call myself "narrow-minded focused"

as i said, its revolves around stupid, just like my joke did.. its a stereotypical type of joke on the perceptions of people outside the loop. much like the inbred arkansas perceptions jokes :rolleyes:

i see my joke, as a joke, BUT i also see it here at snarkpit every day.. i can just imagine many of you asking dad "what does it do?"

its a stereotypical type of joke on the perceptions of people outside the loop. much like the inbred arkansas perceptions jokes

I totally agree! People make jokes about people from my county being 'inbred', funny that you get called that to :smile: Then within my county, we always joke about people from this other town being inbred I don't care about the jokes against me though, I love it when people do the stereotypical accent of my county, because we are all supposed to be either a farmer or a pirate!

Myrk, I fail to see how architects are more important. A large building can't be built without structural or civil engineers, but can quite easily be built without an architect (but it won't look as nice).

I'm sorry but the crap attitude towards engineers in the UK really pisses me off. People just don't seem to realise that basically nothing that they use or do in day to day life would be possible without engineering. Sometimes when I say to somebody that I'm doing electronic engineering, they think it's the same as what an electrician does. People just don't have the first idea. It's not helped by electricians who call themselves electrical engineers, when for the most part they have no formal engineering qualifications at all... you don't get plumbers calling themselves fluid dynamics experts or builders calling themselves civil engineers. Also I don't suppose it helps that most people haven't got the first clue how most of the things they use from day to day actually work, and so aren't able to appreciate how difficult it is to understand how something like a mobile phone works, let alone how hard it is to design and build something like that. So many people seem to think that a mobile phone works like some kind of jumped up walky-talky! Engineering gets a lot more respect in europe than it does here. One of my lecturers was on a trip to germany and was on the train, and the guys sitting opposite him started talking to him and asked him what he did. He said he was an electronic engineer, and at first they didn't believe him because 'engineers go business class'...

Engineers shouldn't get crap. Well, from mathematicians perhaps as you're just as bad as economists and statisticians, but certainly not from lowly architects. Oooh here's a drawing of a building, can you make it? No? Here's another drawing? No? Repeat ad infinitum :razz:

I respect what mathematicians do, and engineers rely on them. But engineers aren't there to do complicated maths, they are there to understand what the end result of a piece of mathematics means, and use this to design something that people want or that can perform some useful task in society. If engineers were as good at maths as mathematicians, what would be the point in having mathematicians!

Having said that, we do do some maths in the form of 'control systems'. It would probably be pretty simple to a 3rd year Oxford maths Ugrad though :smile:

I wanted to be an architect when I was a kid. then I found out they are just artist with a tiny smattering of engineering to make themselves feel important. big turn off. I sort of wish I had majored in engineering rather than science. you guys get paid a whole lot more. As a chemist, I'm looking at a starting salary of 30-40k USD whereas a chemical engineer would start at more like 45-55k.

On topic though, I think they are all pretty funny. Although I have hared most of them before. For me, it has nothing to do with being "outside the loop" since us science geeks are pretty much in the same boat as engineers.

Here's another good one:

What is the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?

during a conversation the extroverted engineer looks at your shoes.

hah, I was waiting to see what a scientist would say :smile: I was thinking about doing maths or physics, then I thought I would sort of combine the two into engineering, and I'm very happy with my decision. There were some points where I felt I could have done with a more in depth look at some of the material we covered (i.e. as would be given in a physics lesson), but it doesn't bother me too much.

Good joke to, but somehow different to the perception here. I think the years before I came to this university must have had very extroverted engineering students, because we seem to have a reputation of being the center of the party so to speak. Of course I have done nothing to keep this myth up - I'm not sure if it was ever true, but interesting how the perception of different subjects can vary from place to place...

remember the scene from dumb and dumber, where they are both looking at the receding couple, and the one comments on the butt, and the other says "yeah, he must work out?"

these engineer jokes are just that dumb..

funny? yeah..
real funny? not really.

gimme a good crude joke any day .. much like my sig today :dodgy:

Beginning down an Engineer-type path currently these I can relate to. I thoroughly enjoyed 'em.

Who says you have to dislike an occupation to make jokes about it? As far as I've seen, the ones who make the jokes the most typically are of that occupation.

But being able to take a joke unseriously isn't really something that can be taught - learned perhaps - but not taught.

I agree with Cash. Just because I think racial jokes are funny doesn't mean I'm a rascist. To me a joke poking fun at whites is just as funny as a joke making fun of blacks, hispanics, asian, etc. I'm a cracker, for the record. This really extends to all the stereotypes out there. Kinda like Shakespeare said about a rose by any other name. Its all just words.

I agree totally. It's so stupid when people get angry at harmless jokes that aren't making fun of the specifically. If somebody says people from my county are inbred, I don't take it as a personal insult.

chuckle chuckle

-BB

I agree too; and I'll prove it. What's an architect? Someone not manly enough to be an engineer, and not gay enough to be a decorator (i hope there are no decorators in the pit)

scary_jeff said:
I If somebody says people from my county are inbred, I don't take it as a personal insult.

I had no idea you were Irish, Jeff!

lol

being able to deliver a joke is also very important..

telling jokes about race, can be funny, but not if you know that someone in the room is not partial to racial joking. same holds true about birth defects, you wouldn't do one in the presence of a paraplegic either.

in other words, you don't have to dislike someone to tell a funny joke about them, but a measure of tact is involved, else you end up looking like a prick.

but seriously, i did not read any of these replies as being hatred toward anyone, how the hell did that even become a consideration here??

i called them dumb, as in beneath my dignity and warped sense of humor, but i didn't say i hated them.. nor had anyone else..

then again, many of my jokes are so dumb, that even after explaining them few truly get the gist.

anywho's.. tact guys, its much more important.

Ah, the gospel of comic pandering...

Cash Car Star said:
Ah, the gospel of comic pandering...

gasps

cash, have you looked up the thesaurus to the word pander?

are you sure thats the word you meant to use?

perhaps this is not what you intended

noun? i have always used it in a sense of "pandering to ones needs".. ie working and fussing over it..

kinda thing, i cant explain. but it doesnt fit any of those descriptions..

Hmm, typically if you "pander to the masses" then you are working to the needs of the masses - its the way I normally see it used anyway.

pan?der
intr.v. pan?dered, pan?der?ing, pan?ders

• To act as a go-between or liaison in sexual intrigues; function as a procurer.
• To cater to the lower tastes and desires of others or exploit their weaknesses: ?He refused to pander to nostalgia and escapism? (New York Times).

edit.. i also found this on the pander page...

"(in England they call a pimp a ponce)" - i always used/thought of ponce as a slang term for homosexual... (usually a gay man).

or is that just the strange midlands? :razz:

why do you think i brought it up?

personally i have never heard the word before, but i have been here plenty long enuff to know, that doesn't mean a damned thing, even words i use, don't always translate well, but after the last instance with "pissant" i now look up words i have not seen, or that are infrequently used, to see if the meaning has been altered since i read it last..

this word, is rather insulting, but i feel it was not how cash intended it to be..

actually, i don't know exactly what he meant to say, but i am sure it wasn't meant to be awful, or insulting to any of us..

I was more pointing to perhaps regional differences, or maybe even the fact dictionary.com was just plain wrong :razz:

but pander is still pander, in american as well ;P 'specially when the quote is from the NYT..

Gwil said:
I was more pointing to perhaps regional differences, or maybe even the fact dictionary.com was just plain wrong :razz:

but pander is still pander, in american as well ;P 'specially when the quote is from the NYT..

well i used webster.com so if 3 sites all said basically the same thing, one has to wonder whats up...

I searched that same site you did Orph and found a listing for pander(2) intransitive verb.

to act as a pander; especially : to provide gratification for others' desires

The #2 NYT definition is the word I have always used and heard used many times over (especially in comedy writing). Intriguing etymology though.

Pandering in comedy is playing it too safe, telling jokes that aren't possibly going to offend anyone at all, and being overly apologetic if they do touch a nerve. What's the point of that? Your audience could just go watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Pander also indicates a tad bit of subserviance... that you'll drift wherever the pop culture tides go. It's a bit of a shot to the integrity.

I see now why you had trouble looking up the word: you used the thesaurus not the dictionary. Not every meaning of a word will necessarily show up in a thersaurus - it's typically better to hit the dictionary first.

you have restored my faith cash :smile:

seriously though, i took no offense, cause its not like you to be hateful incognito, if you meant to be mean, you usually just come out and say so..

the word is still new to my tongue, and i doubt i will find many uses..

Are you thinking of panda? I'm confused.

LOL, if i were the only one to find the oddball definition, i wouldn't have worried overmuch, but when master gwil located a similar one.. well its all better now..

Hey, I got an engineering joke:

Q: How many engineers does it take to write a paper?

A: It doesn't matter. The paper will still suck so much ass that an eigth grader writing outside his or her native language could do better.

What, too soon?

It'd be funnier if these jokes had some more truth to them and not just a stereotypical interpretation ... but maybe that's just me.

Sorry, I go to supposedly the second best non-masters engineering school in the nation and I'll be damned if I haven't seen some of the worst writing skills ever. Whenever this gets brought up its brushed off as not important or "I became an engineer so I wouldn't have to write papers!". Yeah, ok, way to limit yourselves.

Besides, when do jokes not play off of traditional stereotypes? :biggrin:

Yak_Fighter said:
Besides, when do jokes not play off of traditional stereotypes? :biggrin:

you mean like, why do kids from Indiana go to Pennsylvania to go to school?, because they tore all the buildings down to plant corn?

crowd groans audibly

sorry yak, but its no less lame than yours was.. albeit, yours had a measure of truth

We have a reputation for bad spelling and grammer, but I don't think we are that bad here...

What about software engineers? Surely us hackers deserve the same amount of - if not more - ridicule!

Nope. Hackers have clearly fallen under the banner, "If we just ignore them, maybe they'll go away."