Favourite quote

Mr. Fawlty: "Manuel ! There's too much butter on those trays."

Manuel: "Qu? ?"

Mr. Fawlty: "There's too much butter on those trays !"

Manual: "No no no, senior, isse Un, Dos, Tres !"

:biggrin:

Guest - Can we stop talking about the war

Bazil - Well you started it

Guest - No I didn't

Bazil - Yes you did, you invaded Poland

Fight Club, eh? Good flick.

"My God, I haven't been f**ked like that since grade school"

"We were selling rich women their own fat asses back to them."

"It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you're sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car." "There's always that."

"It's not a tragedy, it's just stuff." "Well you DID lose a lot of versatile solutions to modern living."

The greatest monologue ever:

(Dave enters wearing OR scrubs coated in blood)

Dave: Wanna know something? I'm a bad doctor. I'm not boasting. I mean, who would? Just stating a fact that I've never really gotten the hang of the whole healing-the-sick thing. And don't interpret this as some sort of false modesty. No, I'm homogeneously unqualified to practice medicine in any capacity. I really don't have a clue. And no one could be more shocked than me that I've been allowed to rise to a position of such importance and responsibility.

I guess it all started in high school where I was a very bad science student. One day when we were supposed to be dissecting a frog, I accidentally disassembled my desk. Oh, but, you know, I was a popular kid. You know, the other students were always eager to help me out. So you know, during a test whenever I'd get that confused look on my face - which was invariably - well, the cheat notes would just start flying! Even the teachers would start whispering answers, you know, ahem mitochondria... But I didn't worry about it. I figured, how far could you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!

They just offered me the job of Chief of Surgery. Apparently, I've logged more hours in surgery than any other man my age. Four thousand hours this year alone. What no one seems to have noticed that it was all with the same patient.

Oh, I want to show you something. You know what this is? Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me! I don't know what to do with it! I've got a fridge full of this stuff. I mean, I suppose I could send it out to the lab, but they'd only send back a lot of test results that I couldn't possibly understand.
The only thing I'm actually sorta good at is referrals. You know that thing where doctors send patients to other doctors. Well, I'm the king of referrals. What I do is I call the, uh, the sick person into my office, and I stare for a long time really seriously at this blank sheet of paper. Then I say, "Hmmm. I'd like you to see someone. He's a specialist in this area." (laughs) There are specialists who have their whole career based on my referrals. I am the cornerstone of a medical empire. (sighs) Well, I really should be going. I've gotta tell the family that the patient didn't make it - hardest part of being a doctor...I think!

from bash.org -

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

From Time Gentelmen Please

Old Man - its cos were all alchoholics in here

Bullet Head - Ive told you old man we dont use the a word in here I
preffer to call them liquid crucaders that are fighting the holy war
with the tea total taliban

and another

Bullet Head - All hail to the ale and welcome the wine for the ladies.

Snatch = f**king hilarious.

"Do you have anything to declare?" - "Yeah, don't go to England."

"Did he have four fingers?" - "Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't quite get my binoculars out in time."

Ghostbusters:

Dr. Raymond Stantz: ?
Everything was fine, until dickless here cut off the power grid!?

Mayor: ?Is that true??

Dr. Peter Venkman: ?Yes, Your Honor, this man has no dick.?

Homer: Stop the press!. homer puts in critic
Homer: Start the press!
Editor guy: That takes four hours!!!

Tracer Bullet's qoute.

"Bunch of Slack-jaw fagots, This stuff'll make you into a sexual Tyrannosaurus Rex"
-Predator

Cletus' Wife: "Cletus, why'd you have to go an' park de car by my's parents?"
Cletus: "Now hunny, they's my parents too."
Other guy Hillbilly banjo riff "Hyuk hyuk!"

---

posted by Ferret
Congrats on another classic blueballs comment.

<ding``> justice... I love suck Rock'n'Roll parties

:biggrin:

monty burns: "Theres a rocket in my pocket!" (after bart sends a rocket to mr burns warning him that the prision has had free electricity for 30 years :biggrin:

From Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf

"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters
and their shovels - We have driven them back."

"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."

From actual american courtrooms:

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began
the

autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

I think the end of that is a repeat of the beginning...

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But the patient could still have been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and

practising law somewhere.

Best one. :biggrin:

agreed, that one had me lolling.

me too, i actually choked on water. the one being sexually active is good too :smile:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."? G.W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

"There's an old saying in Tennessee?I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee?that says, fool me once, shame on?shame on you. Fool me?you can't get fooled again."? G.W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002