List of funny...phrases...sayings...

Oy, I just had this list emailed to me by a friend, thought I'd share
it. You've proabably heard some before, but here's a good list.

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS
LIKE NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I
JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T
FAMILIAR
TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL
STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE
REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL
UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF
THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS
SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12.
THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE
CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14.
SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY
IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS
USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM
VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT
TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE
MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A
COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE
MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL
WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING
WELL, YOU HAVE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR
WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG
LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE.
LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST
DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER
FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT
SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET
ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH
TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING
OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN
LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36.
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT
HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL
FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE
APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

I've got one of those lists, too. Most of them are quite sucky, though.

SARCASM

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a f**king people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

16. Allow me to introduce my selves.

17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

33. Okay, okay, I take it back! Unf**k you!

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

38. I plead contemporary insanity.

39. And which dwarf are you?

40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

41. Meandering to a different drummer.

42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

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:: Forceflow.be :: Nuclear Dawn developer

My friend said this to me as we where talking about getting girls friends and stuff like that:

"You can't get a girl friend becuase all the girls are intimidated by your huge dick."

Those are alright. A couple gave me a chuckle. They'd be funnier if they were more accurate.

For example:

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

You're scared 3/4ths to death. If you get scared half to death again you're then scared 7/8ths to death. It's infinite.

Anyway. Like I said. I chuckled.

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Blame it on Microsoft, God does.

Unlike Crono I wasnt pedantic about them and found quite a few of them funny, most of them I've heard before tho. However, I think the internet would appreciate less capitalisation.

Forceflows collection is good as well.

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"If you talk at all during this lesson, you have detention. Do you understand?"

• My yr11 Economics teacher

"Pedantic?" Ouch...

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I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

I draw the line sooner than you, unless it's particularly funny :razz:

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Blame it on Microsoft, God does.

Didn't have time to read all of them, but a good many were funny. You can't go wrong with Calvin and Hobbes though: http://quotes.prolix.nu/Literature/Calvin_And_Hobbes/

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Some people are like slinkys...

They aren?t really good for anything, but you can't help but laugh when one tumbles down the stairs.

"An old man is twice a child."

(said by Rosencrantz in Hamlet)

Can't remember where I got this one:

Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly?
Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't
find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who
walk around vomiting sunshine.

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:: Forceflow.be :: Nuclear Dawn developer

I as Crono, didn't think they were all too funny. They were all
unoriginal and something I've already heard before. Theres a whole
database of quotes, most of them in that list above here.
http://www.brainofbrian.com/quotes.html

That being said, some good things I've heard that I like are

"You can't spell "slaughter" without "laughter"."

"When the pin is pulled, Mr.Grenade isn't out friend."

"I want to go like my grandfather, quite and in my sleep. Not like all the screaming people in the back seat."

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http://img362.imageshack.us/img362/8521/windows981dk.jpg

Nickelplate is my dad

Can't remember where I got this one:

Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Dr. Cox from Scrubs. Awesome program.

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My site

scream in a library and everyone will just look at you. scream in an aeroplane and everyone joins in.

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i eat paint