Speaking of writing....

Since the Sci-fi writers thread became so popular, I have been thinking. How about we try to create a snarpit novel?.We have a Snarpit map(apparently, 65 pages of thread and counting) and I saw some truly interesting excerpts in TAROSEK's thread.

We lay out an outline, character structure and submit excerpts randomly. Vote on the best one to use and move on to the next leg of the story.

Orph , this could be your big chance to prove your wife right!

(Begin flames in the following posts please) :smile:

i actually have a story batting around in my noggin, that does indeed involve some/all of the snarkpit cadre'

so far its only in my noggin tho.. but i laugh every time i re-read it.

i might put it to paper soonish.

i jotted this down a few minutes ago, to let you all see in what direction my story plans on going. i will keep editing this as i add more story.

.....It was a dark and stormy night, rain pelted against the rooftops, and unfamiliar noises seemed commonplace. The train upon which they rode, was of a type seldom seen any longer. As the whistle sounded somewhere off in the distance....

Dave throws the book down in disgust, "How can such drivel get into print?" Thinking back on how he came to be riding this train in the first place and wondering, "How could I allow Jon to talk me into a cross country train ride?" sighing deeply, "Who ever heard of such a thing these days?" Dwelling on this also reminded him of how he acquired the book as well, grumbling, "I told the old woman that it was not necessary to give it to me, after all, all I did was help here across the street for gods sake". The old woman acted like it was somehow important to her though so Dave accepted the book and thanked her for it in spite of his reservations. Glancing down once more at the worn cover of the book, he decides to see if some food is left in the diner car this late at night, at the very least, perhaps a vending machine.

As Dave turned toward the cabin door, the lightening flashed outside his window, temporarily illuminating the outside. He noticed in that brief flash, that the country side had subtly changed, it was no longer the city he had so recently left behind. Another thing he noticed, as the flash faded, within the blackness of the glass, that he needed sleep, his reflection looked back at him from much older eyes than his teenage years accounted for. "Its the dreams" he mumbled "Stupid dammed dreams". With a growl of frustration, he continues turning toward the door, his hunger still present, but slightly subdued.

As he reaches for the door, the train suddenly lurches, causing the book, so recently discarded,to tumble to the floor. From someplace within the book a piece of old brown paper emerges. Dave returns to the book and picks it up, curious despite himself.. "Wonder what this is about" he mumbles, as he places the book under his arm, and unfolds the paper. The words are not of any language he is skilled at, but the flowing letters are so beautifully displayed, he cannot help but continue to look.

Deciding the paper and its contents was a mystery worthy of future study, but at a later time, Dave replaces the paper within the book, but this time gently sets the book on the desk in the corner, instead of just tossing it casually on the bed once more. With this task complete, he decides once again to make a foray into the dining car. Grabbing the doorknob and pulling a momentary shock of fear courses through his body, as the door fails to open, frantically pulling and twisting, but still the door resists his attempts to open it. With a growl of frustration Dave stops and examines the door more closely and discovers to his chagrin, that it is one of those types that locks automatically upon closing, thereby providing a measure of security to the occupants. Feeling somewhat foolish, but happy that no one witnessed the display, Dave finally makes it out of the cabin, but with a quick check to assure that the cabins key was still contained within his pants pocket.

His first task upon exiting the cabin was to find a bathroom, grumbling to himself all the while about the archaic conditions these old cars employed "Whoever built these things, must have had a bladder of steel, all this bumping and jarring has had me almost pissing myself constantly" he groans and decides to walk toward the back, his theory is, walking against the flow of the train with a full bladder, just seems way to cruel, even for demented train designers. He also thinks to himself "I wonder if Jon feels like this, when he wears his diapers?" he giggles. The sound of his giggling to himself, sounds slightly maniacal, even to his own ears, and decides, that in spite of how funny it may look to imagine the old man in a diaper, he will not giggle on a train in a rainstorm again.

Orpheus, I think it's a very good start. It's somehow captivating, in a subtle way.

Groovy ... text reads fluently

EDITED BY MASTER CARD :biggrin:

Green = word changed
Blue = original word
Red = word to remove
Gold = comment

.....It was a dark and stormy night Always the same start.. gets old after a while, rain pelted against the rooftops, and weird strange[color=white]/odd[/color] noises seemed commonplace. The train upon which they rode, was of a type seldom seen any longer seldom had this type of train been seen. As the whistle sounded somewhere off in the distance....

Dave throws threw Use past tence IMO the book down in disgust, "How can such drivel get into print?" Thinking back on how he came to be riding abord/on this train in the first place and wondering, "How could I allow Jon to talk me into a cross country train ride?" Dave sighs, "Who ever heard of such a thing now days?" Dwelling on this also reminded Dave of how he acquired the book as well, Who is the narrator? "I told the old woman that it was not necessary to give it to me, after all, all I did was help here across the street for gods sake" Is Dave talking to anyone? Is there anyone there? If not, I wouldnt make that a speech. The old woman seemed like it was somehow important to her though so Dave accepted the book and thanked her for it in spite of his reservations. Glancing down once more at the worn cover of the book, Dave Gets annoying to always be reading "Dave" "Dave" "Dave"... Use "he" or if Dave is the narrator, use "I" decides to see if some food is left in the diner car this late at night, at the very least, perhaps a vending machine.

As Dave (insert swear words here :biggrin: ) turned toward the cabin door, the lightening flashed outside his window, temporarily illuminating the outside. He noticed in that brief flash, that the country side had subtly changed, it was no longer the city he had so recently left behind. Another thing he noticed, as the flash faded, within the blackness of the glass, that Too many "that"'s lol he needed sleep, his reflection looked back at him from much older eyes than his teenage years accounted for. "Its the dreams" he mumbled "Stupid dammed dreams". With a growl of frustration, he continues continued turning toward the door, his hunger still present, but slightly subdued.

As dDave reaches for the door, the train suddenly lurches, causing the book, so recently discarded to tumble to the floor. From someplace within, the book a piece of old brown paper emerges. Dave returns to the book and picks it up, curious despite himself.. "Wonder what this is about" he mumbles, as he places the book under his arm, and unfolds the paper. The words are not of any language he is skilled at, but the flowing letters are so beautifully displayed, he You mean Dave? :razz: lol cannot help but continue to look.

I wanna see what happends. :smile:

hmm for some reason this wouldnt appear:

EDITED BY MASTER CARD :biggrin:

Green = word changed
Blue = original word
Red = word to remove
Gold = comment

Nice start :smile:

/wants to read more...

You could maybe use 'unfamiliar' instead of 'weird' :smile:

I rather like that :smile: Keep going!

Wild Card's commentary has some good suggestions, but many others are just wrong :razz:

the story thus far is more/less told from a third person perspective.. i realize the name "dave" is repeated often, and i can omit a few, the story loses its focus if i replace them all with non-descript "he's" and "Hims"

thanx for the comments thus far though.. i will gladly incorporate anything beneficial :smile:

Hope you didnt mind the colours too much :biggrin:

Wild Card said:
Hope you didnt mind the colours too much :biggrin:

nah, story has been edited a bit.. thanx WC

I always obey senior citizens. Empasis on senior

Wild Card said:
I always obey senior citizens. Empasis on senior

did i mention "nick" is going to be the first dead body discovered :dodgy:

anal probing will be involved.

Orpheus said:

Wild Card said:
I always obey senior citizens. Empasis on senior

did i mention "nick" is going to be the first dead body discovered :dodgy:

anal probing will be involved.

W00t! Im gonna be probed by a bunch of 3 headed aliens!... Wait a minute. On second though...

...

Maybe the aliens should only have 2 heads :biggrin: thwack

Jon didn't say anything about aliens :dodgy: Keep up the good work bud, make me famous. :wink:

well at least you get to be famous in a dignified way..

bumps

the plot thickens :biggrin:

A few mistakes with past and present tense in there but still coming along nicely :smile:

Just got me thinking too, if I were on a moving train and jumped 'on the spot', would I land in a different place to where I started?

Adam Hawkins said:
Just got me thinking too, if I were on a moving train and jumped 'on the stop', would I land in a different place to where I started?

No, you wouldn't - so long as the train was travelling in a straight line. You have the same momentum as the train.

Adam Hawkins said:
A few mistakes with past and present tense in there but still coming along nicely :smile:

considering i have no formal training in the literary arts, you might have to take my hand and show my my errors. just telling me that the story contains them, will drive me nuts looking.

i tend to write, in the same sort of monologue real people would use, people in real life seldom talk/speak proper english (or whatever you term your language to be) real spoken sentences are usually chock full of colloquialisms and slang.

my hope, is not to be perfect, but entertaining, and my biggest hope is that the pitters will assist.

i tend to write, in the same sort of monologue real people would use, people in real life seldom talk/speak proper english (or whatever you term your language to be) real spoken sentences are usually chock full of colloquialisms and slang.

But there's an important difference between speaking and writing: writing cannot use the information-giving resources of vocal tone, body language, facial expression etc. Writing is not like having a conversation.

As you have said on many occasions, text lends itself to misinterpretation. In order to communicate clearly with writing, it helps to follow certain conventions.

Of course, if you are talented enough you can often break these conventions to good effect. For example, DBC Pierre's novel Vernon God Little is written entirely from the point of view of a Texan teenager, and written entirely in his vernacular. It's a hilarious and insightful book.

mike, i didn't say i wrote the way i do as correct, i meant that its the only way i know how to write, the distinction may be vague, but its all i have in defense.

i, from experience , know my methods, and employment of text are spotty at best, but having no formal training, its the only experience i can draw upon.

the way i see this is, even if the story gets shelved, it will be fun till then, and could spark some of our fellows into writing. i have already spoken to one of our members thru MSN about it, and he says he has a definite interest in journalism.. it would be so cool, if my pathetic story incited someone to grandeur :smile:

anyways, i am having a measure of fun, lets see how long it lasts shall we :smile:

Hey, don't stress! :wink: I don't mean to discourage you - I like the story as it is and I look forward to the rest of it, whatever form it takes.

Far better to enjoy writing than to get hung up about grammar/style/formal whatever. Too often people get so caught up on the details that they never write anything :smile:

ahh don't worry mike, i do care enuff to listen..

i have already put more words to paper than i have in a very long time.

keep me on my toes.. mike could make an appearance as well :smile:

Orph - just a question about this thread:

Are contributions meant to continue on what you've written, or are they meant to start their own story?

Not sure I'll have the time to write a short story right now, but who knows..... :smile:

edit Hmmm, looks like we've deviated from Juim's original idea. Ah well, it was a good deviation.

As long as I get the royalites from this I'm happy, otherwise you goons are paying for everything :biggrin:

Doesn't Stephen King use slang in his books?

Doesn't Stephen King use slang in his books?

I don't remember the last book I tried reading of him turned out to be a combination of two other of his books ... in which the 'villian' turned out to be not just aliens or evil spirits, but Evil Aliens with Possesive spirit powers ... by the way, I'm no where near joking.

Secondly, He's a horrible writer. I mean, his introductions are nothing short of amazing, which draw you into the story and such ... but then about halfway through he kicks the story in the nuts, burns it, and pisses on the ashes. I wonder if anyone has told him that books are usually better if they're shorter then the bible. (The stand is something like 300 pages longer then the New Testement, also the Stand blew ass.)

Orph, I can take a look at your 'grammar' if you like. I usually don't proof read my posts which is why there are so many mistakes. :smile:

lol Crono, I like your stephen king review :smile:

I like this story intro a lot Orph. The other already pointed out some minor mistakes, but the main thing in this case is what is going on and the story itself. The very start is great, and like somebody said, it flows very well. I also like the way that things are left, for example the piece of paper, only a hint is given about it, but the hint is good enough to make me want to find out what it's about. Similarly with with helping of the old woman, it makes me want to find out more about this guy by leaving a good amount unexplained at this stage. And even if you aren't going to come back to those things, they make a good opertunity for people to let their own imagination fill in the gaps, which is something I think people like in a book.

Crono said:
... but then about halfway through he kicks the story in the nuts, burns it, and pisses on the ashes.

Coincidentally, so do I.

Orph - it's pretty damn good; at least nobody named Casey has fallen asleep in a cave yet . But seriously, I do like it. We could make a Snarkpit horror story in which we all start dying one by one, and you know what that means - virgins always die first.

I would like to script someones greusome death. Maybe If I have time this weekend, I'll throw down some words. Hmmm....which one of you will go first?

as far as my story goes.. its not set in stone but if anyone would care to partner up with me on this, i would be willing to discuss it via the PM system, as long as you understand, i want any addition to seamlessly blend with each other addition, and if a submitance is vetoed or rearranged to fit the plot in some other capacity, the team would not get angry..

i would truly like to make this story come off, and am more than willing to do it on my own, but i do not intend for it to degenerate into the story thread we already had. this is something more and will be treated as such.

anyone interested in donating, please contact me PM and i will outline my plot, i promise it is intriguing, the only problem is if my imagination holds out long enuff to pull it off :biggrin:

I wrote out the first few paragraphs of your story in a different style. I tried to keep close to the original (forgive the one "joke" :wink: ), but also to correct what I felt were annoying stylistic niggles.

The purpose of this is just to give you an example of writing in a slightly more formal style, and the benefits it can bring. I hope it's informative and helpful; I'm not trying to take over your story :smile:

.....It was a dark and stormy night, rain pelted against the rooftops, and unfamiliar noises seemed commonplace. The train upon which they rode was of a type seldom seen any longer. As the whistle sounded somewhere off in the distance....

Dave threw down the book in disgust. How can such drivel get into print? And why do I keep going back to it? There was nothing to interest him in the tedious text - indeed, it was no better crafted than the puerile stories he read on internet forums - but he had obtained the book in peculiar circumstances. I TOLD the old woman it wasn't necessary to give it to me; after all, all I did was help her across the street for God's sake. But the old woman had acted as though it was important to her, so he had accepted the book and thanked her for it in spite of his reservations. He'd been saving it for the long train journey, but now he actually came to read it he was disappointed. He got up to look for some food.

Just as he turned toward the cabin door, lightning flashed at the window and illuminated the outside for a moment. In that brief flash he noticed that the scenery had subtly changed: it was no longer the city he had so recently left behind. As the brilliance died he saw, with a change of focus, his reflection looking back at him from within the blackness of the glass. It was a face with much older eyes than his teenage years accounted for - a face haggard with insomnia. "Its the dreams," he mumbled aloud. "Stupid damned dreams." But his reflection refused to answer and the outside world was hidden once more.

As he reached for the door, the train suddenly lurched. Recovering his balance, Dave saw that the book had fallen to the floor; bending down to retrieve it, he discovered an old brown piece of paper dislodged from its pages. How could I have missed that before? Once unfolded, the paper revealed a manuscipt of no language he could recognise. Yet the letters flowed so beautifully that he could not help but stare in wonder for some minutes. They seemed to writhe with a life of their own - although whenever he focused on any part of the script, it was clearly static. It was most disconcerting to watch.

(.....that's where I stopped).

Note that I haven't tried to fit in the bit about "How could I allow Jon to talk me into a cross country train ride?" This is because I feel you were trying to fit too many thoughts into a very short amount of text. I've also cut out several other wandering thoughts for the same reason.

I've phrased it in the past tense, but some verbs are in the present tense because they are subordinate to a past tense verb. The effect of this is to avoid the awkward feel that comes with present tense stories. After all, if the narration is in the present tense then the narrator has to be there at the same time as everything occurs! This just isn't a normal way to tell a story, even in conversation - we tell stories about things that (fictionally or otherwise) happened, not about things that are happening now. Varying the tense of subordinate verbs helps alleviate the "he did this....then he did this....then this happened" problem.

The other main problem with your style is that the detail of narration does not fit the importance of events. You blitz from one thought to the next, which means that the narrative framework for these thoughts - that is, the sequence of events - becomes dominant. Better to elaborate a bit on each thought before getting back to the next event, or the story becomes a monotonous progression of events.

mike, don't get me wrong, but the taste of your version, its just to.. what is the word i am searching for..... antiseptic, i guess best describes it..

i do like how you added some things, but it reads more like a college level text book now. i realize i only read commoners books, such as trek and forgotten realms, but nothing i have ever read, feels like this. its more like Shakespeare, when i am after trailer park trash.. if that makes any sense at all.

i know, your version beats the pants off of mine, but i just couldn't keep that train of thought going, and unless you plan on editing my entire draft, i will sadly have to decline... but if you do not mind, i would like to borrow a few sentences.. they do fit much cleaner than mine.

Dave, the real Dave, is highly intelligent, but my Dave, in this story is a prattle brain, and i want his mind, to meander back and forth throughout this story.. i do not want linear, i want winding streams.

i hope you do not get mad, but i just have to say, i like my version a bit better, for what i want to convey.. as stupid as that is.

no hard feelings i hope.

thanx

i do like how you added some things, but it reads more like a college level text book now. i realize i only read commoners books, such as trek and forgotten realms, but nothing i have ever read, feels like this. its more like Shakespeare, when i am after trailer park trash.. if that makes any sense at all.

"more like Shakespeare" I'm flattered, though I can't see that quality in it myself.

i know, your version beats the pants off of mine, but i just couldn't keep that train of thought going, and unless you plan on editing my entire draft, i will sadly have to decline... but if you do not mind, i would like to borrow a few sentences.. they do fit much cleaner than mine.

My version does not beat the pants off yours - it's just different :smile: You are very welcome to take any pieces of it you like.

Dave, the real Dave, is highly intelligent, but my Dave, in this story is a prattle brain, and i want his mind, to meander back and forth throughout this story.. i do not want linear, i want winding streams.

I should have worked this out from the later parts of the story, really. To give that effect, it might help if you can make the character Dave look like a prattle-brain without making the story wander. One way to do this is to establish an obvious disdain, as the narrator, towards the character.

i hope you do not get mad, but i just have to say, i like my version a bit better, for what i want to convey.. as stupid as that is.

No, it's not at all stupid. Remember what I said about Vernon God Little? "The author is God", to plagiarize one of your mapping aphorisms :smile: The right style for the story depends on what you want the tone of the story to be. My version probably turned out antiseptic precisely because I was treating it as a generic piece of writing and had no further plans for it.

was antiseptic the right word though?

you see, although i was trying to spare your feelings, i also wanted to leave a bridge open, cause i do truly value almost everyones opinions here.. i wanted you to know i was being truthful to you, but also that i saw some quality intermixed within your version.

anywho's even if someone comes up with a better description for your than antiseptic, i am glad you didn't get mad. i do realize its a bit of work that you did afterall. i didn't wanna come off as ungrateful.

thanx mike :smile:

Yes, I think antiseptic was exactly the right word. That's the effect of writing mechanically without a plan, which is exactly what I was doing. You can't just dive into a story like that without it feeling antiseptic.

Here's my try; replace Colorado with wherever the hell he's going.

http://www.snarkpit.net/pits/cassius/Trash3.htmhttp://www.snarkpit.com/pits/cassius/Trash.htm

Read up bitches! [Reading up some webhosting page... stylish, snarkpit is .net now - Myrk-]

thanx again mike for understanding..

after i finish eating, or maybe in the morning, i have a version that crono sent me to look over as well.

truly, i do appreciate the feedback and the support, but i must say, as with mapping, i plan on using only the advice that fits, or feels right.. no promises to anyone, so please do not feel i am ungrateful guys..

good so far Orph...i think i can say the same for you cassius-itas not really my pick of reading material but eh!

Orph heres a seemingly stupid question: are thinking about what you write or are you writing closer to more of a free association style?v ive found wehn writing anything (personal or for school ) the more i think about what i write, moments before i put pen to paper, the words seem to lose their flow from me noggin to teh paper.

this said do all ya thinking before you write: plan the rest of the story well (structure character plot etc (as much as you acn with the snarkpit as youre topic :biggrin: )) and then youre actual content will flow very well (although you dont seem to have a problem there). thats what ive found when writing from the tpo of me head from a plan anyways

/2 cents

Cassius said:
Here's my try; replace Colorado with wherever the hell he's going.

http://www.snarkpit.com/pits/cassius/Trash3.htmhttp://www.snarkpit.com/pits/cassius/Trash.htm

Read up bitches!

lol. "Lover's Gondola" :biggrin:

Made any more porgress on this one, Orph?

scary_jeff said:
Made any more porgress on this one, Orph?

forgot it actually..

/me considers trainride :smile:

Resurrected for Orph :smile:

Evidently you can bring back threads from the dead.. if it were anyone
else I'd have the hunting rifle loaded and waiting by now!

[In the story] Me and Dr Brasso, being musical instrument players, will most likely die by electricution through our guitar strings and burst into flames or something... great... bah!

I can't help but picture in my mind Cassius, whenever the font is in italics or a seperated word, that guy from the "Fast Show" doing the Jazz club spins around and says it :razz: I don't think I could read a whole novel like that, but it would make a good short story. Main problem I noticed was that you said the page was silver, then rustic gold- how could it appear to be both?

---

-[Better to be Honest than Kind]-

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Gwil</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>Resurrected for Orph :smile:

Evidently you can bring back threads from the dead.. if it were anyone else I'd have the hunting rifle loaded and waiting by now!
</DIV></DIV>

My humble thanx Master Gwil. I also appreciate the conservative view on wasting shot on my ol' glutes. :heee:

I had a hankering to add to my old story and actually took me a while searching it out. 56k and not knowing the correct search words and all that.

Dave and his trip to the bathroom awaits.

I was also a bit shocked to discover how long ago this was. Time is a flighty thing. :sad:

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

[Edited for content. Man was there a s**tload of commas.]
[edit 2: This will be my current running dialog so keep checking this post for the next few updates.]


CHAPTER 1: DREAMS



.....It was a dark and stormy night, rain pelted against the rooftops, and unfamiliar noises seemed commonplace. The train upon which they rode, was of a type seldom seen any longer. As the whistle sounded somewhere off in the distance....

Dave throws the book down in disgust, "How can such drivel get into print?" Thinking back on how he came to be riding this train in the first place and wondering, "How could I allow Jon to talk me into a cross country train ride?" sighing deeply. "Who ever heard of such a thing these days?" Dwelling on this also reminded him of how he acquired the book as well. Grumbling, "I told the old woman that it was not necessary to give it to me. After all, all I did was help here across the street for gods sake". The old woman acted like it was somehow important to her though so Dave accepted the book and thanked her for it in spite of his reservations. Glancing down once more at the worn cover of the book, he decides to see if some food is left in the diner car this late at night. At the very least, perhaps there is a vending machine.

As Dave turned toward the cabin door, the lightening flashed outside his window temporarily illuminating the outside. He noticed in that brief flash, that the countryside had subtly changed. It was no longer the city he had so recently left behind. Another thing he noticed as the flash faded, that within the blackness of the glass he needed sleep.His reflection looked back at him from much older eyes than his teenage years accounted for. "Its the dreams" he mumbled "Stupid dammed dreams". With a growl of frustration, he continues turning toward the door, his hunger still present but slightly subdued.

As he reaches for the door, the train suddenly lurches causing the book so recently discarded to tumble to the floor. From someplace within the book a piece of old brown paper emerges. Dave returns to the book and picks it up, curious despite himself.. "Wonder what this is about" he mumbles, as he places the book under his arm and unfolds the paper. The words are not of any language he is skilled at, but the flowing letters are so beautifully displayed he cannot help but continue to look.

Deciding the paper and its contents was a mystery worthy of future study, Dave replaces the paper within the book. This time gently setting the book on the desk in the corner, instead of just tossing it casually on the bed once more. With this task complete, he decides once again to make a foray into the dining car. Grabbing the doorknob and pulling a momentary shock of fear courses through his body. The door fails to open. Frantically pulling and twisting, the door resists his attempts to open it. With a growl of frustration Dave stops and examines the door more closely. He discovers to his chagrin that it is one of those types that locks automatically upon closing thereby providing a measure of security to the occupants. Feeling somewhat foolish but happy that no one witnessed the display, Dave finally makes it out of the cabin. With a quick check to assure that the cabins key was still contained within his pants pocket he gently closes the door.

His first task upon exiting the cabin was to find a bathroom. Grumbling to himself all the while about the archaic conditions these old cars employed, "Whoever built these things must have had a bladder of steel. All this bumping and jarring has had me nearly pissing myself constantly" He groans and decides to walk toward the rear. His theory is, walking against the flow of the train with a full bladder just seems way to cruel even for demented train designers. He also thinks to himself "I wonder if Jon feels like this, when he wears his diapers?" He giggles. The sound of his giggling to himself sounds slightly maniacal even to his own ears. He decides that in spite of how funny it may look to imagine the old man in a diaper he will not giggle on a train in a rainstorm again.

Upon completion of the bathroom situation Dave makes a mental note to speak to someone about the archaic toilets. "Holes, the damned pissers are holes straight to the tracks" Sighing deeply he continues to his original task. the acquisition of food.

Upon entering the dining car Dave takes a quick head count. Always suspicious this is a habit retained from an earlier age where it mattered much more than now but still a precaution through habit. Noting that there was indeed food available he takes a seat and waits for someone to notice.

Across the room two elderly people notice Dave's entrance. They largely ignore his entrance noting however his disheveled appearance.


CHAPTER 2: NON SEQUITUR



The room was cold. That was the last conscience thought Dave had just before the fumes from the mask took him under. "So cold, why do they make you wear these flimsy..." As the anesthetic took him the surgeon began his task. In preparation for the procedure the hairline had been shaved back to a point just above the crest of his head. Since the examination required the back of the skull to be the center of attention the hair was removed from the neck forward. As a precaution, the nurses had removed anything nonessential from the room as they had been warned about "Certain unexplained phenomena" They were uncertain just how far "Unexplained" was supposed to mean but the caution was taken seriously. This was after all not their first kinetically active patient.

On some level Dave knew that he was still within the operating room but images flashing through his head kept distracting him. Knives, Motorcycles,Goats, Knives, Diapers,Knives,knives,knives. He wanted to scream for all the knives. With an effort he concentrated on the older couple across the room. Somehow they looked familiar yet, not. Where had he seen them before? After a few minutes the waiter entered the car and noticing Dave for the first time approached to take his order.

Dave gasps for a second. The waiter suddenly turned into a waitress. As he blinks in amazement the waiter returns and says "May I take your order Dave?" For some unaccountable reason he never notices that this stranger knows him by name. Dave looks up and says after a moments hesitation, "Whats the special today?" "Roasted goat sir in a fine glazed with diaper rash hollandaise sauce. Dave looks at him aghast a moment as the waiter pauses. "We also have a fine assortment of wines, sir"

CHAPTER 3: ALTERED STATES



"Dave", said Gwil, "Dave wake up". Dave starts for a second. Unable to ascertain exactly where, or even when he is. He sits there a moment and stares dumbly at Gwil. "Dave did you hear what I said? I asked if you noticed the goats over by those pines?" Dave still befuddled turns slowly toward the window. He notices first that he is back inside his train car. In fact, he doesn't even know for sure if he ever even went pee yet. Gwil shakes him once more and then waits to see what happens next. While he waits he notices the book thats on the edge of the table and picks it up. Within the inside cover he notices in very clear words
"[size=16][color=limegreen]PROPERTY OF OLLIE ROBERTSHAW. <STRIKE>THE HALF-LIFE PRINCE</STRIKE>. ?berlord[/size]"

Gwil notices that part of the name is crossed out in favor of a more recent addition. "Where did you get this book?" he asks. "From a woman just before we boarded." "Do you know who's book this is?" "Nope, why?" "Oh nothing" says Gwil, "But if I were you, I'd not just leave it lay out in the open like this. By the looks of it, I bet its very important"
[/color]

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The best things in life, aren't things.

had to go back and re-read from the beginning of this thread....*whew....glad i did tho, as i havent belly laughed like that in awhile...

orph, i like the rewrite, but before i offer any personal critisismsmsmsms :heee: i want to know the direction you are ultimately going .....

myrk, if thats the way to go, thats the way.....ill do it with a smile....what a show stopper that would be....ask hetfield...its fun!!!

Doc B... :dodgy:

oh, and btw, some of you guys are some sick mother f**kers man....

No direction to speak of as yet. I have a thought. Something to do with anesthisia and its effects upon a sleeping person but its just a thought for now.

Sadly, my writing is even slower in forthcoming than my mapping these days. :sad:

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The best things in life, aren't things.