dumbest joke thread

They're building a very big project in poland; so they're digging a very deep hole in the ground, very very very deep. So at 150 meters underground they discover a little cavern with a human skeleton inside with the inscription : "King of hide and seek".

:smile:

In the future, they're searching past Snarkpit forum topics. So they're digging very deep in the page numbers, and they come across page 150 or so, and they discover a little thread with a single unfunny joke in it(well, two now), with this single strange green encryption:

NOT FUNNY

:razz: :biggrin:

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.

And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.

His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell be 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the provinces Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president has the murdered. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.

You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is? This in itself is the morale of the story....

The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.

/lynched

ARGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

NOW IS TIME TO BAN KAGE.

Kage_Prototype said:
There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

etc etc.

Pffft, if only I had my secret police to stem the flow of such crap with an iron fist :razz:

*agrees with fraggard :razz: *

Bwahahaha. The most evil joke in existence. :biggrin:

Man, I'll spare you guys the joke it took an entire week to tell about the 1911 Baseball World Series and a drunk pitcher named Mel. Same style as that Juan thing, only longer.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a lawnmower?

A lawnMOOer! Pahahaha... hahaha... ha... hrm.

Kain said:
They're building a very big project in poland; so they're digging a very deep hole in the ground, very very very deep. So at 150 meters underground they discover a little cavern with a human skeleton inside with the inscription : "King of hide and seek".

:smile:

Is this actually true? :O

It was Ossama bin Laden.

No, of course it wasnt true.

What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhino?

eleph-rhino.
(hell if I know)

ahahaha.
shot

bleeds

dies

What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhino?

what do you get if you cross Kain, and a thead............an unfunny joke
Much like this one

i got the best joke

Q.Why did the snark eat some ?

A.I dont no!

This guy walks into a bar..........right?........well it hurt.

well if u cross Loth and Kain you'll obtain a Loth with a punch in the nose :biggrin:

mmm, I have a whole collection of these, but... telling them might be hazardous here; so instead, I have a surrealistic charade:

Q: What's the difference between a cat?

A: None. Its back paws, and especially its front ones.

[/considers eventuality of electric chair]

[/looks for deep cavern to hide in]

a really beautiful woman walks into a bar and seductively leans against the wall with her arm tucked behind her head.. she says in a silky voice "who's gonna buy a lady a drink?"

everyone turns around and looks sick, the woman has the hairiest armpits they have ever seen.. a guy in the back says drunkenly "I'll buy the ballerina a drink"

she finishes her drink, leans back against the wall her arm still lifted and repeats "who's gonna buy a lady a drink?"

everyone just can't see past those nasty armpits and tries to ignore her, all except the drunk in the back who says again "I'll buy the ballerina a drink"

while she drinks her second glass, the guy next to the drunk asks, "why the hell do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

the guy slurs "any woman who can get her leg up that high, is a god damned ballerina"

A guy is sitting alone in a bar, when he suddenly hears clapping, he looks around and no-one is there except the bar tender, so he asks the bar tender what that clapping was, the bar tender replied "I don't know"........so the guy kept sitting there finishing his drink, when sure enough he heard it again......so once again he asks the bar tender what it was, and this time the bar tender replies "ohh its the peanuts, they're complementory" (spelling I know) har har, I got a million of them.

YOUR MAMMAS SO FAT,

THAT WHEN SHE WALKED

THROUGH THE SORE,

EVERYONE THOUGHT

SOMEBODY WAS WIPING A

WINDOW!



[b]Quiet voice [size=10][color=gold]My joke skills need a little work.. heh [/size][/b][/color]



Yippie Ki Yay!

G.Ballblue said:
YOUR MAMMAS SO FAT,

THAT WHEN SHE WALKED

THROUGH THE SORE,

EVERYONE THOUGHT

SOMEBODY WAS WIPING A

WINDOW!



[b]Quiet voice [size=10][color=gold]My joke skills need a little work.. heh [/size][/b][/color]



Yippie Ki Yay!

Ya okay..........well she's not at fat as your's

Watch it....



Yippie Ki Yay!

YO MAMA'S SO FAT, WHEN SHE WENT TO THE DRY CLEANERS, THEY TOLD HER "WE DON'T WASH PARACHUTES!"

YO MAMMAS SO FAT, WHEN SHOULD ON A STOOL SHE STRUCK OIL!



That was TOTALLY original, competely random, and has NOT been used 10,000 million billion times.

Assuming you've never heard a yo mamma joke (ahem).

Yippie Ki Yay!

I found a slew of programmer jokes once before .... some weren't very funny though like:

"Your mamas so fat, stack overflow"

I personally like this one ... not many people will really get it though

"A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard"

"Programming Languages are Like Cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle."

"There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks."

They're cheesy.

well if u cross Loth and Kain you'll obtain a Loth with a punch in the nose

/me ippon-seonagi's kain and tells him to be a nice boy :wink:

A guy goes into a 24-hour supermarket at 2:00 in the morning. He picks up all his groceries, and goes to a checkout counter. The cute female cashier starts checking out all his groceries...there's packages of ramen noodles, 12-packs of soda pop, beef jerky, candy bars, computer magazines, and a bag of chips.
"Well, I can tell that you're a single man," she says.
"Why do you say that?" asks the man.
"Because you're ugly."

And that reminds me of a story that's unfortunately completely true:
I'm working as a cashier at the local dollar store, and a woman, who looks to be at least in her late 30s, maybe early 40s, comes up to the register to buy a pack of Pop Rocks. She pays, and I hand her the candy. She opens it, then says to me, "Remember how good these were when we were kids?"

Yak_Fighter said:
"Remember how good these were when we were kids?"

that is a completely neutral comment yak, that can and is often misconstued..

since we are not all kids at the same time, even in the rare instances that we are of the same age it makes it neutral..

people listening, or the ones misunderstanding the comment have other personality traits at work, i don't exactly understand the science of it, but their mind hears, what their EYE's are telling them, not their ears.. you see and old woman standing before you, and you hear her calling you old as well... when you were actually a kid, she was no where around..

anyways, that is a commonly misunderstood type of sentence.

people listening, or the ones misunderstanding the comment have other personality traits at work, i don't exactly understand the science of it, but their mind hears, what their EYE's are telling them, not their ears.. you see and old woman standing before you, and you hear her calling you old as well... when you were actually a kid, she was no where around..

What a strange world you live in :biggrin:

It's true and not true at the same time as it (obviously) doesn't apply to everyone. But there are many whom it does apply to.

Actually if you're interested in this so called phenomenon, check out Bud Hopkins, he's a graphic designer who helps UFO abductees ... by the way, if you have any sense (and I'm assuming most all who're reading this do) will have a laugh and a half at how this man can be taken seriously and his results are considered, by anyone, truthful.

She was abducted from a 12th floor apartment in Manhattan. Floated out the window. And in this case, the UFO occupants wanted this to be seen, for various complicated reasons.

This had me laughing

Crono said:
Programming Languages are Like Cars

I thought of one to add to the list:

Visual Basic: Your first car (Datsun 120Y), you drive around everywhere thinking the fact that youre driving a car makes you cool.

fantastic programming jokes. Where did you get them ?

"A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard"

^^ Classic :smile:

hmm, php....

You Forth love if honk then!

One day, a skinny, little man walks into a coffee shop. Strolling up to the clerk, he says, "I want a cup of coffee, very hot and very sweet. And I won't be paying, because I fear nothing." The clerk is shocked, but, as he doesn't want to make trouble, he does as the man asks.

The next day, the same man walks in, and says, "I want a cup of coffee, very hot and very sweet. And I won't be paying, because I fear nothing." Once again, the clerk gives him the coffee and watches as he leaves; but this time, he calls his friend, a huge American football player to help him out.

The next day, the same man walks in at the same time, and says "I want a cup of coffee, very hot and very sweet. And I won't be paying, because I fear nothing." The football player stands in his way and says, "Guess what: you have three seconds to convince me not to break your face, because I too fear nothing."

The little man pauses, looks up, and says, "Well then, that makes two cups of coffee."

/Alphaville

A man goes into a pastry shop. He asks the owner: "Do you have some vegetable-marrow taste ice cream?". The owner, surprised, replies:"No sir... we don't have that. I don't think it exists". "Ok, thanks!" The guy leaves. Next day, the same guy comes :"do you have vegetable-marrow ice-cream?" -"No, we don't" -"mmm ok thanks" .... next day, same thing...and so on for a couple of weeks....

Finally the owner is feeling bad about this. He 's starting to have the impression that his shop unequal, since he can't satisfy this particular client. He decides to invent vegetable-marrow ice-cream. He tries for months and months, reads tons of culinar books... and finally, he creates the first vegetable-marrow ice-cream! He is so proud of his invention!

Next day, as usual, the guy comes in : "Do you have vegetable-marrow ice-cream?"

"Yes!" replies the owner with a big smile.

..."yaak"

Dose yaak have a similar meaning to yuck or am I missing the joke?

edit: No dictionary mention of yaak btw. :smile:

Alien_Sniper said:
Dose yaak have a similar meaning to yuck or am I missing the joke?

edit: No dictionary mention of yaak btw. :smile:

Yuck: Function: interjection
Date: 1966

? used to express rejection or disgust ?spending hours over some dish and getting, ?yuck, I hate that? ? Anne Dowie?

yea I meant "yuck" :smile: