Myrk: any progress on the m0nging? Now would be a really good time to test it out...

We talked about money the other day; and how expensive it* is....
So the following came up:

"Lucky I don't smoke - I'm gonna be rich"

That made my day

*smoking and other 'habits'

---

Never try to be perfect - just try it and make the best out of it

That was terrible Andrei...

Yes, but it's the thought that counts (plus the net version has a low framerate). :heee:

Seen those vids too, a long while ago.

Welcome to like... 1999

Yay Im 14 again

---

Tinterweb site
Deviantart

Human knowledge belongs to the world

The divorce lawyer calls Mickey up and says "Mickey, your wife,
Minnie's, psych test results just came in. She's perfectly sane so you
don't have sufficient grounds for divorce." Mickey replies, "I didn't
say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy!"

<span style="color: white;">BADABING!

...that's all I have to say about that. (<= true, but say/read that in a Gump voice, it will make you smile :smile: )
</span>

---

o

no one thought of adding: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/ to the list then?. allways made me laugh anyway.

I do have a joke, but its resist and im not going to tell you (because its out of order).

---

Kentucky Fried Chicken plans on selling a new line of bucket chicken called "The Hillary Clinton"

It will contain 2 fat thighs, 2 small breasts and a left wing

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

Chuckle :biggrin:

Q: How did the frog with a broken leg feel?

A: <span style="color: black;">Unhoppy!

Haha, sorry I just had to pass that one along :smile:

</span>

Q: What's the first thing that crosses a fly's mind, as it gets hit by a car speeding at over 150KM/H?

A: It's arse.

Andrei said:
Q: What's the first thing that crosses a fly's mind, as it gets hit by a car speeding at over 150KM/H?

A: It's arse.

whispers

Last thing my friend, last thing.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

Erm...first and last, then :evilgrin: .

thought the elders of the pit might enjoy mom's joke # ...mmm...26 or so, i believe....something to look forward to... :heee:

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED

(Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go
back
to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a
patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard
enough in the eye.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I
want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer
will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The
doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer
accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is
still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half-day's
drive away and a diploma from a third world country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I
tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I
do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle
my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant
right in his/her office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20
co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

enjoy good health.. :wink:
Doc B.... :dodgy:

Makes me wanna become a doctor.

Here's one for your mum, Doc.

Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) You have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day, when you're older, you are going to be very, very
disappointed."

---

i eat paint

excellent fishman...

heres a new one from her...dedicated to all you high speed mutha's out there....

Will I Live To Be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no,"
I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said,
"No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hunting, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No,"
I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a s**t if you live to
be 80?"

Doc B... :dodgy:

I could see the punchline coming, but I very much agree with the message.

A foreign tourist was visiting London. After several hours of
sight-seeing, he suddenly feels the urgent need to take a pint. He
looks around desperately, but can't seem to be able to spot any public
toilet. Driven to the edge of his sanity by his burning bladder, he
prepares to do about his business in a mailbox, when suddenly somebody
taps him on the shoulder. He turns around and finds himself facing a
policeman. "What are you doing here, sir?" asks the officer of the law.
Stuttering, the tourist attempts to justify his actions. After
listening to the whole story, the cop tells him to follow him. The two
men start walking down the street, then they take a right, a left,
across another street and, finally, stop in front of a massive ornate
gate. The policeman opens it to reveal a large and superb
garden, dominated by a beautiful mansion, somewhere in the
distance. The cop point to a tree and invites the tourist to relieve
himself. Swiftly, the man ducks behind the tree and urinates. Aftet
several moments, he comes out from behind the tree, smirking. "So" he
says "this must be what they call English Hospitality ". "No" replied
the policeman "this is what we call the French embassy".

Particularly funny since i've heard it from a frenchman.

There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

:razz:

---

SourDough2.0 - With Strawberry Jam

I'm starting a Rumple extermination fund. Anyone want to contribute?

A little boy and girl are sitting on the front porch. The little girl asks "whats a penis?" The little boy says he doesn't know, but he will go ask his dad because he knows everything.

The little boy asks his dad and his dad obliges him with a definition. The dad pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis. Its not just any penis, but the worlds most perfect penis."

The boy nods and leaves.

The little girl asks him upon his return, "Well?"

The little boy pulls down his pants and says "This is a penis. Its not the worlds most perfect penis, but if it were an inch shorter, it would be"

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

LOL .... How long is his father's penis then ?? HAHA nice one<br style="color: white;">

---

.::Dark|Masta::. - One name. One legend.

<span style="color: white;">teehee, penis...

Sorry I just had to say that. :smile:

What kind of father says that to his son? "Hey son, I have the worlds most perfect penis!"
</span>

---

o

I'm starting a Rumple extermination fund. Anyone want to contribute?

Ill contribute 5c :razz:

---

SourDough2.0 - With Strawberry Jam

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

---

Reckless disregard for childrens well being, women and nothing but utter contempt for other cultures.

What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your underpants?

Your mum.

---

Better to be in denial than to be human.

Bill Gates understands binary: his company is number one, and his customers are all zeros.

Ouch.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

Ouch.

But since you saw that, it means you were online when there were 0 users online... what?

While coming home yesterday from Kentucky, I happen to be passing through Missouri and tuned in a local FM station on the radio. It seems that a local town in Missouri has been teaching terrorist, or assumed terroristic peoples how to drive semi-tractor trailer rigs.

I was laughing so hard that I just had to post it here. Imagining a terrorist driving a big truck and causing chaos. Like the streets were safe and they would be a threat.

Anyway, the story went on to say that the community is 95% white and the rise in middle eastern graduates at the school was.. abnormally high.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

AHHH!!! That's my town!!!! :eek:

There is not a Mosque for like 100 miles in any direction...

---

I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

/me knows, thats why I was laughing so hard. I was imagining your face when you heard that someone local was being accused.. In bumfuche Missouri to boot.

Is there a driving school there'bouts?

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

I'll have you know that Bumfuche is about 15 miles east of West Plains.

And I don't know of any driving school. Just some shady truck stops.

---

I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

Well, I've been through, been to and been around West Plains a number of times. I adopted one of my Mustangs from the sale barn. (horse, not ford)

I to do not recall a trucking school, but I wasn't looking for one either.

shrugs

oh well... your burg made the news. :biggrin:

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

Orpheus said:
oh well... your burg made the news. :biggrin:

Yeah, for terrorism, lol.

It's a shame you didn't get a Ford Mustang. Now you're stuck with some stinky REAL horse...

---

I tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose.
http://www.dimebowl.com

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Nickelplate</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>It's a shame you didn't get a Ford Mustang. Now you're stuck with some stinky REAL horse...</DIV></DIV>

giggles

Yeah, but they're my babies.

Sadly, when I was about your age, I had the chance to get a 65' Mustang for $250.00.

I was so poor that it was impossible to get that kind of cash. In fact, the guy had more than one of them to sell. All hulkers but definitely salvageable.

Shame I cannot come across deals like that now. 250 would be about... a week to get at most. I got the 3,000 bucks I needed for my truck from my boss in about as long as it took to get him on the phone.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

fishy said:
Here's one for your mum, Doc.

Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to
tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) You have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day, when you're older, you are going to be very, very
disappointed."

Hey fishy, do I have your permission to show this to my MSN contacts? That is seriously a good one! I cracked up in the middle of the night. Lol.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. My city made international news
when two suicide bombers in Tel Aviv turned out to have travelled all
the way from Derby to the West Bank.

Gwil said:
I wouldn't worry too much about it. My city made international news when two suicide bombers in Tel Aviv turned out to have travelled all the way from Derby to the West Bank.

whispers

Who are you talking to bud?

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

Heard on the FM radio recently.

How can you tell if you are getting fat?

When you ease into the bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

My friend told me this one this evening (no, the joke isn't that I have a friend, regardless of its inherent hilarity):

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!

---

One day you'll know what you're talking about, I can hardly imagine

Maps! - Audio blog!

Hahahaa, that's great :biggrin:

nice

Heard this on "Who's line is it anyway" Yesterday:

(Paraphrasing)

The scene is two guys paddling a canoe on a river in Africa.

#1- Watch those Hippopotamus, they can rip a man to shreds.
#2- What about a woman?
#1- Yeah, they've been known to rip a man in shreds too.

The scene goes on, but that part had me rolling and pissing.

One thing I never noticed till yesterday though. There is a s**tload of anti-Americanism on that show... At least yesterdays was. Funny, I have been watching it for years and never noticed.

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

There is a s**tload of anti-Americanism on that show... At least yesterdays was. Funny, I have been watching it for years and never noticed.

Are you happy/sad/impartial?

And is this the Drew Carey version or the british (original) version?

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting French Toast</DIV>
<div class="quotetext">
And is this the Drew Carey version or the british (original) version?</DIV></DIV>

You're kidding, right?

I know there is two versions, but why ever would the British version have anything against America. :wink:

[EDIT]

French Toast said:
Are you happy/sad/impartial?

Actually I am just surprised. I honestly didn't think they would let stuff like that slip into a program.

TBH, I never think about it much because for Americans, or Americans I know, its not an everyday subject. I mean no one here says "Did you hear what Scotland, or Ireland or Blahland did now?"

No one in the States that I know, would even bother to worry about what another country did, or does. (Excepting Mexico, which is another matter AND one I disagree on)

What I am trying to say is, no one I know has the time or inclination. In fact, whether its baseless or not, I find it very difficult for any nation to have time to worry about another in such a way.

So to answer your question: "Impartial"
I know that Britain is hardly guilt free with regards to how detrimental they've been through history, but that has nothing to do with me or mine.

</div>

---

The best things in life, aren't things.

This conversation occurred at my school today between two of the local hillbillies I have the pleasure of educating with:

1: Hey man, if I give some money to this fund raiser will that help me get to heaven.
2: I think so, doing good things is supposed to get you there.
1: Good, cuz I've been burnt before and it sucks.

not a direct quote but the point gets across

this was a serious intellectual conversation though and not the lack of sarcasm text

Peanut Butter, The Atheist?s Nightmare

---

Why snark works.

Here is a convincing argument using similar logic :smile: Yes, it's satire

---

o