The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

But suddenly the 7up spot decided to replace the snark model and started to chase me, so i......

hid behind a breakdancing watermelon...

...which promptly kicked me in the head while break-dancing...

So then I gave the watermelon to a family of black people.

Which promply whacked me on the head with the melon, telling me not to follow racist stereotypes.

But then I remember that I have some black friends and that I could or couldn't be black myself I decide to continue on my journey without further assault. (hopefully)

I made my way onto a battlefield where they were fighting with...

........each other.

i decided to wait for the bus, but when it arrived i noticed that the driver had a slightly familiar appearance. i was about to say hello, when he jumped off the bus and slapped me around a bit with a rather wet and slimy trout, before he jumped back onto his bus and......................

and drove away leaving me behind wiht just a little.......

PENIS...

which i then poured mircale grow on it and...

promptly lost promptly my promptly mind, promptly.

so then i randomly coughed and then...

doves flew out of my mouth, shinning a radiant white light, theo flew off and ended their journey in a city where the sat on the branch, looked around and then....

I awoke.

It appeared I was having a somewhat strange, and poorley structured dream. I woke up, on the floor, of an old wooden dimely lit room, with a swinging lamp in it.

"Not again!" I said. "But wait. If that was a dream, what have I ACTUALLY done, and what was part of that dream!?"

I...

...slapped myself in the face a couple of times, while my vision gradually returned from the strange hallucination of an empty room with a swinging light, a room which I was definitely NOT in at the time. I was in fact sitting in my den at my IBM computer typing out an insane, loosely interconnected, totally @#$%ed up story about my slightly exaggerated life in an online internet forum. It was about then that my monitor exploded, sending shards of razor-sharp glass at my face.

WHOOSH!

I blinked my eyes back open and gazed upon the detonated remains of my IBM computer monitor. I blinked thrice more and turned my head. There stood Ivan, my associate, and fellow assassin. It was his sword that had deflected those deadly shards of glass. Ivan's ancient samurai sword was now hanging in its resting place, a sheathe along his back.

"They're on to us," Ivan said in his usual grim fashion.

"I know," I replied.

reads thread title and dies

So I decided to slap blueballs for de-railing the thread and jump out of a window in the corner of the room, I cut myself with shards of glass from where we had to smash it open whilst I jumped out, we landed in a unusual pile on the floor and headed for the nearest...

...shopping trolley...

Which was when I woke up, only to discover....

that I'd peed my pants.

$loth said:
So I decided to slap blueballs for de-railing the thread

(Bravo)

It turned out the reason I had peed my pants was because I was such great fun punchin' some guy called cassius in the nose. Why I did, I'm not to sure. Once I was done with that, we got back on track and proceded to the shopping cart...

wich has gotten his own life. it dorve away wiht all of my stuff in it.
i started running after it but i was blocked by........

a clip brush...

I tried to kick it apart with my almighty,clip brush destroying, kick, but...

I stubbed my toe. So instead I ate the clip brush and it tasted like....

a NULL brush. Odd. It had been a null brush actually, because if it had been a clip brush, my foot, ak - a , me, should have passed right through it... (Since my foot is attached to me, there for, I am attacking it.)

^^^

ur my hero

But it wrapped round my foot, after that i found out that it was another Transforming Ant and i decided to use it by.....

Following it to Cybertron, The Gamma Rays in the Earth's atmosphere destroyed the mysterious mapping block.

Once on Cybertron, I was kindly introduced to Optimus Prime. I forgot how friendly that ant race was. I was informed of the plight that Cybertron was facing with the Decepticons, So I made a deal. Optimus hesitantly agreed to my plot. I offered him my abilities to fight the Decepticons in return for him assassinating a selected list of annoying individuals back on Earth.

We flew back to Earth in haste, I decided to observe Optimus at work to make sure he got the job done.

The first target was ... (make it good ...)

...Crono.

It was a slow, miserable, lonely death as well.

The next on the list was Kage_Prototype, who died even slower and more painlfully than Crono (thought I'd save you the trouble :razz: ).

Too bad one of the two quickloaded... I'm not really sure wich of the two but it was a pretty straight action...

Anyway, so Optimus was contacted but his targets had now time to prepare...

slowly the ranks of snarkpitters diminished, and it looked like all was lost until the ninja-assasin ant reached Lep's name on the list. what to do? where to find him?

there had been rumours that he was holed up in a secret bunker somewhere, possibly reviewing maps, but they were only rumours. after chasing around the world several times in search of the ellusive snarkmaster, always one step behind him in a global trail of flakiness, the ant gave up and turned to his more sedate hobby of........

Contract Assasinations. fishy commisioned the ant to "hit"...

...The robot version of...

...Barney the dinosaur!

And he said "I want your children, now
come, and let me ravage you..." To which I screamed and said....

"AHHHHH, You'll never get me alive!" I the ran to...

His evil twin, barnard the parrot, who pecked his....

Bag of dog food.

I stole his bag and continued my escape through the dark landscape. I then ...

Made some home made cheese using a can of tomato soup and some saran wrap.

As I took the plastic wrap off the oddly made cheese Optimus went berserk. He began rambling on about me not having purpose, when I had plenty ... I was the key to stopping the decepticons. His prime directive was then overridden by some other force and he tried attacking me! I kicked him in the throat and, to my surprise, it worked!
He started coughing and choking on his spit. Then he started bleeding ... it dawned on me, this wasn't Optimus Prime at all. I began opening the chest cavity to the coughing robot. and found a black ant inside ... the transformation ant on my shoulder (yeah that's where it was), jumped down and confronted it ... I have no idea what they said, but they sounded pissed off.

I began wondering where the hell the real Optimus Prime was.

[Back on Cybertron, Decepticon headquarters, Dungeon]

It turns out he was Back on Cybertron, in the Decepticon headquarters, in the Dungeon, accoring to my gps tracker that I attached to him. In order to get there, I...

Jumped on the back of Puff the Magic Dragon and teleported there using a nightlight.

decided to barter with some passing aliens (some distantly related cousins of the Decepticons) who had a thing for collecting manly testicles.

i turned and seen ballblue at my side. a flick of the trusty rusty can opener and i was offering up my fare for the ride to Cybertron, but the bastards said my meagre offering would only get me as far as.............

The upper atmosphere of Earth. "That's no good", I thought, "I have to find some more balls to offer otherwise I'll never get my assassination droid. I ran to the nearest 7-11 and asked where I could find some testicles.
The Store clerk replied, "You're looking for the testicles? I always thought the one would come to claim the ancient ..". I couldn't stand his gibberish any longer, so I punched him in the face and took all his money. "I can buy some balls at the Black Market", I said.

When I walked into the Black Market (Located on the corner of Annihilation Ln. and Hellrazor Rd. across from McDonald s) I noticed there was a 30% off sale on modern hand guns. I rummaged through this bargain bin of guns and found ...

a Nutzatron (tm). According to the label attached to it, this gun could transform anybody into a sack of testicles. After promptly purchasing the weapon, I used it on...

Nugget. As I went to look over my handywork I saw...

He actually got turned into a giant monster that eats people whos name starts with an "F" on online forums. After Nugget had his fare share of desert I decide maybe this gun could come in handy so I...