The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

Either that or I was halucinating being in a poorly remembered film...

Turning the corner I saw

A neurologists office. I entered cautiously and booked an appointment.
A few hours later I learned my 'new ability' was actually a product of
a severe brain lesion. I decided to...

leave my brain the way it was, because seeing sounds is pretty nice.

but the doctor thought otherwise...

and strapped me to the operating table, setting up his tools he asked me...

"Have you ever been interested in the exciting world of Scientific Medicine? I certainly could use an intern" ...

"...al probe to discover the reason for this rather exotic sensory anomaly. I shall now insert this..."

"...albino drunken middle-aged irishman with a dashing hat..."

"Nooooooooo" I screamed as the full horror of the situation dawned on me. "Not the hat! for Christ's sake make him remove the hat"!

The doctor grinned maliciously as he ....

removed his hat.

..to reveal another, smaller hat.

i decided to fake an orgasm

"Ahah, I perceive the smaller helmet is more to your taste, Mr Bond" said the doctor. "A condition not unknown to me. Perhaps I should..."

make an appointment for lunch with

...Von Leibnitz, the maniacal milliner of Munchen. He has...."

...a stockpile of Funyuns, which are mighty tasty."

My heart sank. What is an onion flavoured ring? How can this disturbing condition be circumvented? Taking a deep breath I...

pulled out the lugar I had tucked in my pocket (as you remember, a ways back I popped a nazi) and put a bullet through his eye... again!

Now the problem was, I was still strapped down. No one to help, and traped in room that seem to get increasingly smaller by the moment, I...

remember he called me Mr.Bond, I thought to myself, what would bond do in a situation like this? I used the lugar to shoot of the cuffs holding me down to the table. And ran for the door.

And ran for the door is what I did. Right bloody into it.

Clumsy me, I've blacked out now.

I woke up and realised running into the door was a dream, I thought
Bond aint clumsy and realised i was still strapped to the table but my
Luger was gone...

because I had actually dropped it, then fainted at the thought of a shrinking room.

Now that I was conscious again, I thought to myself, "What would Bond do in a situation like this?"

I chewed through the straps holding me down and ran through the door after opening it.

I stopped about a minute away from the room and realized I never picked up my gun. I ran as fast as my psuedoMI6 agent legs could carry me.

As I reached the lab where I left, the doctor was holding the luger.
"But I shot you ... in the eye!", I exclaimed.
The doctor tried to explain the situation, but the gaping hole in his face was too much to look at.

The bits and pieces summed up from what I heard in between vomiting was that he's a zombie. "Wheres that damn ANT when I need it?", I thought as the doctor began to approach me, most likely to ...

punch him so i c**ked back my fist and threw a haymaker..... and s**t it went through his damn face!

Quite amazing, I know, but rather ordinary if you think about it, because there is something I'm not telling you.

The character Will Smith played in I, Robot is, in fact, me. Oh, and these shoes? Converse, vintage 2004. I owe my superhuman abilities in part to McDonalds, where you can get a cheeseburger for just 99 cents on Super Size Wednesdays.

But being a corporate whore isn't easy. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with all my ill gotten money. Maybe I'll...

...lop off my right ear,

or maybe I'll do something less drastic, such as...

...get Botox injections...

...instead, I decided to steal the popemobile, because it's bitchin'...

Because i'm popeman!!!!!! with altar boy!!!! with holy water......and jesus discs!

Shortly after I decided to stop the drugs...

When I reached my destination I saw ...

A man dancing a most peculiar dance. However I found myself compelled to join him in this dance as it was quite merry.

However, doing that made me feel like a world class poof, so I felt obligated to shoot the man between the eyes.

He got really mad, told me it stings, and merrily kicked me in the face.

After recovering from the weak blow because I am such a wuse I found myself standing in Bill Gates refridgerator. I was the size of a plastic army man.

Fortunatly there was a collection of barbies in there, so I wasn't completly without entertainment...

After contracting Hepatitus B from the plastic figures I felt like seeing the new kick ass Resident Evil 2 movie. Luckily I new the mob boss err I mean manager of the theatre.

So, he paid me to see the movie, because he thought Nemesis was such a s**tty character ... for a movie. I thought it was poorly done, since it was ripped from a game and completely didn't work in the movie, but it seemed to be a nice nod to the fans.

Then he tried to pay me to see "The Village", so I kicked him in the balls.

I had forgotten that I put on knife tipped boots (thus the reason it isn't in this story until now) ... so I inadvertently gave this man a vasectomy ... and neutered him .... with a male hysterectomy all at once.

My leg began to cramp as it was logged in his crotch area ... it really started pissing me off since he was being such a pussy about it. He was a moron anyway, I suspect I did a good deed in ridding the world of his genes.

After my leg was dislodged I walked away leaving awesome blood footprints behind me. I decided to take his car because he was such a asshole. Once I got in ...

I saw a hit sqaud coming after me. No doubt that Theater owner hired
them. I attempted to loose them by...

Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.

hotwiring the car, and teaching myself C++ programming, all at the same time. Needless to say, I got grape jelly all over my puffy white pirate shirt.

damn it all to damnation, i thought to myself, where the f**k is james browns g-string when i need it.

Then I remembered I had left it hanging on the line to dry back home cos I had
a little accident in it and it was begining to get a bit crusty and really needed a wash.

So on my way home to pick up the thong...

I ran over an old lady. I stole her wallet because I thought it was funny. I forgot though that the midget death squad was still on my tail. So I painted myself just like the nearby brick wall. I used my C++ skills I learned in the car to add bump mapping to my body.

When suddenly, Super Dead Sumo Kitty appeared and started making a mess of everything!

and as i hate mess, there was nothing else to do but whip out my trusty rusty can opener

"Surge?" said I, taking note of his dialogue bubble. "I prefer 7 Up."

To my astonishment & delight, the 7UP spot sprang forth from the dead kitten's gaping cranial wound.