The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

common sense.

And, common sense dictates that I was hallucinating. That's right- hallucinating. There never was any mullet on my head to begin with, thank god, nor did I ever change my name. Now that I was back to my former healthy self, I decided to take common sense one step further and get rid of this stupid itchy thong. I felt so liberated that I...

...Decided to go for an even more liberating skinny dip at a nearby all-girls college swiming pool. Those who were there seemd to like the look of me, and the feeling was mututal, so I...

jumped in. Little did I know, in the year 2050 there was a human crisis, everyone was too prude to touch another person and the human race almost died, so the pamplet said that I read at the doctors office. The blood that I now had in my veins also worked as a human 'seed', if you will.

I think I just gained some offspring ...

... It was a pretty cool all-girls college, and about a dozen beautiful women joined me in the pool. We played Marco Polo, and lots of other fantastic water sports like... ...water volleyball and...

...completely free, unbridled, unprotected...

Water Wrestling......

Unfortunatly for me, (and the rest of the world) an islamic terrorist planted a fifty gigaton thermonuclear warhead on the leading edge of the moon. the impulse from this stupendous detonation caused it to loose just enough otbital velocity so that it spiraled into the earth. Before I could lay hands on any one of those beautifull girls, the earth was utterly destroyed. If you're wondering, this story was written down by my immortal soul. Unfortunatly, thermodynamics is relentless, and I expect entopy to devour my over-organized being momentarily.

--The end--

OR IS IT

Starring






...

and then this crazy ass old guy started walking down the street towards the first showing of.... the story. This crazy old man happened to be...... DUN DUN DUN!......

Kevin Costner!

So I shot him on general principle. I mean, just look at The Postman! What was he thinking?!

After which I decided that the ideal way for me to spend an idle week would be to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! So I recruited two clowns and a monkey to help me start. First step towards world domination, ...

...

the moneky beat the s**t out of the clowns because they looked like ICP. then the monkey joined forces with MC hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Mr. T. The reason for their plot to take over the world was because chuck norris was goign ot beat them to it..... lets face no one likes chuck norris. anyways, their arch enemy planned on taking over the world with a global gift card scheme known as simons, he has already taken down the us government and parts of Bulgaria he has also broght his massive armies of ethepoien children and overweight people of the world, and leading general MacGyver we have no chance...... we have no chance to survive make your time.......

machine now!"

Just as we were planning the design of the time machine [ i wanted it to be pink :rolleyes: ] Insane clown posse jumped to life and slaughtered MC. hammer for his terrible rhymes, decapitated Mr.T for his OTT acting which left vinnila ice to run outta the door soiling himself and shouting some rather inadaquete language.

Then ICP realized their music sux.

And made an worthy attemped of jumping of the statue of liberty, whilst taking eminem down with them. Thus ending thier career, and eminems.

slowly, the blackness fades from my eyes as I awaken in an unfamiliar, but at the same time, not so unfamiliar, place.

a dull pain, vivid images of nazi-chickens, molecular ants, and smart blondes, were all competing for ownership of my brain. maybe i'd been spiked with something. Rubbing my eyes I look around to see where i am.

It is a small, empty room with a wooden door. There is no furniture nor any windows- nothing but a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling which illuminates the plain, white walls. I start walking for the door.............................................

:biggrin:

and an overwhelming feeling of d?j? vu comes over me. "Am I in some kind of alternate reality?" I cant help but wonder to myself.

Opening the door (for the 3rd time), I look through and see the inside of a movie theatre. I step inside and, closing the door behind me, I notice the lit-up sign above my head saying, "EXIT".

I then take a seat and start watching...

tramps fight to the death over precious and perhaps delicious kernels
of popcorn. Watching their entertaining albeit malnourished tussle I
realize...

... I've transformed into an especially buttery and delicious kernel of
popcorn! The tramps slowly begin to sniff the air, pinpointing my
location. I tried to run, but I was a f**king piece of popcorn! They
slowly surrounded me, salivating like dogs! Over time, however...

...I started to grow into...

A temporary beanstalk, sprung over with lucious green tropical leaves

i climbed this temporay beanstalk only to realize that it doesnt go anywehre and its only temporary, it started to dissappear as I got closer to the top.....

As it started to fade away I wondered how I could be climbing myself,
musing on this paradoxial question I reached the top of the rapidly
fading beanstalk, there I saw...

A machine with "Gubernator 3000" printed on it, in pale blue ... I
wondered what this thing would do and stepped closer ... suddenly

the beanstalk whose leaf I was standing on dissapeared! I started
to fall up? watching the ground receed beneath my feet I
realized...

that I was not falling up... I was ascending! 'Ascending to where?' I
bellowed loudly, disturbing some nearby clouds. Was I on my undeserved
way to heaven or was a more fitting fate in store for me? These
thoughts coulded my head when out of nowhere...

...a giant hand...

...smacked the leaf back downwards, bellowing "you're too early, come back later"...

"Damn!" I said. I was hoping it had been reversed polarity.... Or was it?...

(pause for effect)

i started towards the ground at an amazing speed of eleventy seventy miles per hours and hit the side of the................

Air liner. Surprisingly, tucking my intrails back in was no problem (once i had scraped them off the cockpit window) the real challenge was getting inside the plane....

until i found this nifty key scoth taped to the side of the c**k pit door? and i used all of my magical powers and opened up the door only to find........

That the cabbin was now depressurissing, and everyone would be sucked out of the plane. I decided to...

Let it happen.

I was in a bad mood, which noone could blame me for all things considered, however...

my decision did not falter.

So here I am plummeting watching the passengers spew out of the plane like water out of a broken pipe ... I heard landing on water from this distance would be much like landing on concrete from a ten story building ... interesting.

Now, I really thought that my day could not possibly go any worse, entrails and all...

...I was wrong. Mars attacked

Or atleast they tried.

They're cute little UFO's hit the atmosphere doing a roughly 7 million. One of them was able to pull a U turn and get behind the airliner that I was barely clinging on to (?).

Instead of smashing through the jet, it pushed it. We started going SO fast, that our MOLECULES started vibratin!!!!!.....

I awoke from my nonsensical and poorly structured dream with a syringe in my arm and a searing pain in my...

.... well, in a region that the reader needn't know about, this was obviously the cause for my mind blowing pain. Hell, I was seeing VISIONS!! As my blured vision sharpened, I saw...

i saw.... the sound of silence, and then i walked alone down a narrow street of cobble stone.

I thought there might be something wrong with me, Since I started seeing sounds.

It just turned out to be a new ability, a small taste of my awareness of everything around me.