The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

shot a hole in my own underwear.

Then, I turned into a pair of giant testicles.

i fought off the overwhelming desire i had to post a link of a movie i made of myself, and instead rolled myself onto Prof. Steven Hawkins' lap (who just happened to be passing, and had offered me a lift) where we began to talk about.......

....string theory, black holes, and the general problems with the standard model of particle physics. As you can imagine, Gordon Freeman was very interested in the discussion, so he teleported himself back from city-17, and in doing so, proved the validity of an entirely different theory known as quantum loop gravity. HE and Hawking immediately began arguing about the significance of the event, so I surreptitiously stole Gordon's crowbar and....

rolled off to my pre arranged meeting spot. When I got there I saw...

.......through the small opening in the thick folds of skin that were enveloping my eye...........

a gigantic snark, walking towards me!! I knew what I had to do. I ....

Poked it in the eyes and ran...

Into his brother who abrubtly...

...gave me a cup of tea, and asked me if I wanted to come to his lan
party. Apparently he was very kind, unlike his brother. I said
"yeah, why not" and followed him.

It turns out he was lying so then when I walked into the room the lights went out and I got sacked. The next thing I know I wake up in a trash campactor and I hear some marines laughing.

Luckily I had a recycable sticker on my jacket so they had to send me to the recycable plant, which luckily for me was made out of cardboard...

I was hoping that my escape though would be more exciting. Like jumping onto some crates, finding a crowbar, and escaping through a drainage vent in the bottom of the comapctor. But as it turns out you can't always rely on people so I continued to the cardboard recycling plant which was actually a front for...

... a mafia money laudering scheme.

I found 4 mafia bosses in a wash room cleaning quarters.

I was shocked! Something had to be done right away! I then...

asda own brand cornflakes. the cardboard that was brought in was being sold on as cornflakes, and not recycled into nerve gas like the contract specified. this was an outrage. i needed help. luckily i had lifted Prof. Hawkins' moblie, and its list of numbers i found the very thing..........

Ghost busters!

Oh wait, I realized that was the wrong number, I started to dial the correct nuber, which was to...

...

...call in an airstrike...

on my house. After I destroyed my house for no reason I decide to go to...

the netherlands to buy some wooden shoe's.

but the evil snark had evolved into a fire-snark and had breed a army
of little fire-snarks. they had occupied the netherlands and where
invading germany.

so i took my........

trusty crowbar and smashed the snarks with a vengance. After killing
hundreds of them...

I felt very tired. I just had to sleep, so I decided to...

Have strong brewed coffee. This best part of waking up, is Folger's in your cup, they say. After a few refeshing gulps, I was revitalized so I...

...went to the toilet, because I was ready to explode in that condition. After I had fired all that hard drank caffine out of my body, there was nothing left to stimulate my brain, I then promptly keeled over, and fell asleep in toilet.

While asleep, I involuntarily smoked copious amounts of crack cocaine.

My life sucked so hard, that I continued to sleep. I slept for decades,
even for centuries. When I woke up, it was the year 2555. I was
shocked! How was this possible?!

"Nah...probably best not thinking about how its possible I slept so long without dying" I thought to myself, quickly acclimitising to the year 2555 I hoped on a hover bike and went off to the shops to buy something to eat. The implausibly tall, slender buildings loomed overhead, like in Blade Runner, but without Harrison Ford. I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw a gigantic, metal...

Post, I was looking at the tall slender buildings over my head that I nearly drove into a post, luckily the automatic braking instead of smashing into a lampost system on this hoverbike worked perfectly, so I drove around it. At the end of the road .....

there was a brick wall. In the wall there was a hole. I couldn't see
what was at the end of it. I decided to see what was on the other
side...

...put forgot why I was even there. So I got some coffee instead.

On the way back from the coffee shop...

I saw in a discarded newspaper that a group of terrorists had detonated a 20 MT "suitcase" nuke in the neighboring city. People were running in panic everywhere, oblivious to the fallout now raining down on everyone. I quickly walked into a gunshop, and fashioned the lead from the bullets into a shield for my most "vital" body parts...

...there was a brick wall. In the wall there was a hole. I couldn't see
what was at the end of it. "Hmmm, Deja Vu" I mumbled, then I decided to see what was on the other
side...

it was...... britney spears. she has been revived by a crazy doctor called.....

Dr. Nick Riveaira

I saw him , he looked at me and said " hi only one body", to which I replyed, "hi dr.nick".

This witty repartee seemed to confuse the doctor, stalling him just
long enough for me to put Britney in my suitcase undetected it was a
tight squeeze...

...especially since inside there was also a toaster oven and an inflatable airjet. I asked Brittney to blow the airjet up thru the hole in the wall. She obliged by pressing her lips to the hole and blowing softly. Quickly, I dropped the airjet and...looking around quickly, instead of putting the airjet nozzle in the hole, I put...

...half a turnip.

Heh, I killed the story! Bow at my feet underlings :wink:

... Cried the god of the stories Hawkins, suddenly the half turnip that briteny was blowing on shot out of her mouth and...

ha! i unkilled the story

the turnip suddenly turned into a penis. MINE

The turnip had simply been a clever disguise by the evil censors that rule this world in an effort to keep the story clean of explicit sexuality for the younger, more impressionable children of this strange universe. Unfortunatly the turnip wasn't a viable switch becasue it just didn't fit in Britny's mouth with the same familiarity that my penis did. I got the distinct impression that she'd done this before... many times...

Cassius said:
the turnip suddenly turned into a penis. MINE

EDITORS NOTE: I fixed Mr. Cassius's reply to better reflect the accuracy of the situation, please continue as if he typed it correctly the first time..

thankyou,
the management.

Something was deeply, deeply, wrong with me. That devilish Dr. Nick had
obviously drugged me. Mustering all my inner strength, I could feel
myself slipping out of this strange vegetable pornography trance, only
to find myself in a padded cell with no way out...

...and next to me in the padded room was Pennywise the clown....or was that just Mephs....

Either way, I was sure to go mad...

In a desperate bid to escape I...

...took out my trusty cheese grater and tor my way to freedom!

after days of using a cheese grater on the stone wall while the doctor looked on in amusment, I got quite upset.

Just then I heard the doctor ask me a question, "Are you done yet?"

That was the last straw, I flew into a rage and then I...

resurrected a dead topic.

Which proceeded to go on babbling nonsensically, as topics were wont to do in those days. Then Dr. Nick..