The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

because I had actually dropped it, then fainted at the thought of a shrinking room.

Now that I was conscious again, I thought to myself, "What would Bond do in a situation like this?"

I chewed through the straps holding me down and ran through the door after opening it.

I stopped about a minute away from the room and realized I never picked up my gun. I ran as fast as my psuedoMI6 agent legs could carry me.

As I reached the lab where I left, the doctor was holding the luger.
"But I shot you ... in the eye!", I exclaimed.
The doctor tried to explain the situation, but the gaping hole in his face was too much to look at.

The bits and pieces summed up from what I heard in between vomiting was that he's a zombie. "Wheres that damn ANT when I need it?", I thought as the doctor began to approach me, most likely to ...

punch him so i c**ked back my fist and threw a haymaker..... and s**t it went through his damn face!

Quite amazing, I know, but rather ordinary if you think about it, because there is something I'm not telling you.

The character Will Smith played in I, Robot is, in fact, me. Oh, and these shoes? Converse, vintage 2004. I owe my superhuman abilities in part to McDonalds, where you can get a cheeseburger for just 99 cents on Super Size Wednesdays.

But being a corporate whore isn't easy. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do with all my ill gotten money. Maybe I'll...

...lop off my right ear,

or maybe I'll do something less drastic, such as...

...get Botox injections...

...instead, I decided to steal the popemobile, because it's bitchin'...

Because i'm popeman!!!!!! with altar boy!!!! with holy water......and jesus discs!

Shortly after I decided to stop the drugs...

When I reached my destination I saw ...

A man dancing a most peculiar dance. However I found myself compelled to join him in this dance as it was quite merry.

However, doing that made me feel like a world class poof, so I felt obligated to shoot the man between the eyes.

He got really mad, told me it stings, and merrily kicked me in the face.

After recovering from the weak blow because I am such a wuse I found myself standing in Bill Gates refridgerator. I was the size of a plastic army man.

Fortunatly there was a collection of barbies in there, so I wasn't completly without entertainment...

After contracting Hepatitus B from the plastic figures I felt like seeing the new kick ass Resident Evil 2 movie. Luckily I new the mob boss err I mean manager of the theatre.

So, he paid me to see the movie, because he thought Nemesis was such a s**tty character ... for a movie. I thought it was poorly done, since it was ripped from a game and completely didn't work in the movie, but it seemed to be a nice nod to the fans.

Then he tried to pay me to see "The Village", so I kicked him in the balls.

I had forgotten that I put on knife tipped boots (thus the reason it isn't in this story until now) ... so I inadvertently gave this man a vasectomy ... and neutered him .... with a male hysterectomy all at once.

My leg began to cramp as it was logged in his crotch area ... it really started pissing me off since he was being such a pussy about it. He was a moron anyway, I suspect I did a good deed in ridding the world of his genes.

After my leg was dislodged I walked away leaving awesome blood footprints behind me. I decided to take his car because he was such a asshole. Once I got in ...

I saw a hit sqaud coming after me. No doubt that Theater owner hired
them. I attempted to loose them by...

Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich.

hotwiring the car, and teaching myself C++ programming, all at the same time. Needless to say, I got grape jelly all over my puffy white pirate shirt.

damn it all to damnation, i thought to myself, where the f**k is james browns g-string when i need it.

Then I remembered I had left it hanging on the line to dry back home cos I had
a little accident in it and it was begining to get a bit crusty and really needed a wash.

So on my way home to pick up the thong...

I ran over an old lady. I stole her wallet because I thought it was funny. I forgot though that the midget death squad was still on my tail. So I painted myself just like the nearby brick wall. I used my C++ skills I learned in the car to add bump mapping to my body.

When suddenly, Super Dead Sumo Kitty appeared and started making a mess of everything!

and as i hate mess, there was nothing else to do but whip out my trusty rusty can opener

"Surge?" said I, taking note of his dialogue bubble. "I prefer 7 Up."

To my astonishment & delight, the 7UP spot sprang forth from the dead kitten's gaping cranial wound.

But suddenly the 7up spot decided to replace the snark model and started to chase me, so i......

hid behind a breakdancing watermelon...

...which promptly kicked me in the head while break-dancing...

So then I gave the watermelon to a family of black people.

Which promply whacked me on the head with the melon, telling me not to follow racist stereotypes.

But then I remember that I have some black friends and that I could or couldn't be black myself I decide to continue on my journey without further assault. (hopefully)

I made my way onto a battlefield where they were fighting with...

........each other.

i decided to wait for the bus, but when it arrived i noticed that the driver had a slightly familiar appearance. i was about to say hello, when he jumped off the bus and slapped me around a bit with a rather wet and slimy trout, before he jumped back onto his bus and......................

and drove away leaving me behind wiht just a little.......

PENIS...

which i then poured mircale grow on it and...

promptly lost promptly my promptly mind, promptly.

so then i randomly coughed and then...

doves flew out of my mouth, shinning a radiant white light, theo flew off and ended their journey in a city where the sat on the branch, looked around and then....

...slapped myself in the face a couple of times, while my vision gradually returned from the strange hallucination of an empty room with a swinging light, a room which I was definitely NOT in at the time. I was in fact sitting in my den at my IBM computer typing out an insane, loosely interconnected, totally @#$%ed up story about my slightly exaggerated life in an online internet forum. It was about then that my monitor exploded, sending shards of razor-sharp glass at my face.

WHOOSH!

I blinked my eyes back open and gazed upon the detonated remains of my IBM computer monitor. I blinked thrice more and turned my head. There stood Ivan, my associate, and fellow assassin. It was his sword that had deflected those deadly shards of glass. Ivan's ancient samurai sword was now hanging in its resting place, a sheathe along his back.

"They're on to us," Ivan said in his usual grim fashion.

"I know," I replied.

So I decided to slap blueballs for de-railing the thread and jump out of a window in the corner of the room, I cut myself with shards of glass from where we had to smash it open whilst I jumped out, we landed in a unusual pile on the floor and headed for the nearest...

...shopping trolley...

Which was when I woke up, only to discover....

that I'd peed my pants.

$loth said:
So I decided to slap blueballs for de-railing the thread

(Bravo)

wich has gotten his own life. it dorve away wiht all of my stuff in it.
i started running after it but i was blocked by........

a clip brush...