I am quite alive

No, I didn't die. I suppose an
explanation is in store. The following things you are about to read
are all true. And yes, they are extremely crazy.

I have been
depressed for quite sometime. Since the age of nine or ten I believe.
But it wasn't until a few months ago that my father thought it was
something 'bad'. So he took me to a psychiatrist
who issued me 'Zoloft'. For those of you who don't know, Zoloft is a
drug which supposedly treats mood swings. It cures a 'chemical
in-balance in the brain'. The side-affects:
Nausea, Diarrhea, Dizziness - all the
typical stuff you'd see in a drug. So it seemed
fine. I was a bit optimistic about it too. Being depressed isn't
something I am proud of. So I took the drug, and thought that was the
end of my worries.

But, it was only the beginning.

A
few weeks after taking the medicine, I noticed a substantial
increase in brain functionality. I could
think faster, more complex thoughts and my grammar had increased
enormously. That isn't a bad thing. That
was one of the pro's of the drug. All seemed fine, until two weeks
later. I began thinking crazy thoughts...There's always been a voice
in my head, but not the 'kill everyone' voice you see in movies - it
was just my conscience, you know, the voice
that says 'this isn't a good thing', a voice of common sense - which
I hope everyone has. I dismissed the voice because I thought it was
just me.

But the voice in my head started becoming more
prominent, it started growing louder and after a while I could
determine that it wasn't me controlling the voice. The drug was
somehow affecting me, and as crazy as it may sound, it seemed to have
awakened the darker-side of me. The side with the rapid depression
thoughts. Such as Anger, Death, Sadness, Destruction. I started
becoming angrier in my regular life, and online - whenever people
would email me or instant message me I would usually get angry quite
quickly.

I also began losing my memory. Now, I am not a
genius - but I do have quite good memory. I could have someone talk
to me on MSN, who I had played an HLDM match with a year ago, and
immediately realize
who it was. Then after taking the drug I was forgetting people I had
played a match with a few hours earlier, and when I asked their
identity they would usually anger me by
jokingly hinting at it - like I said, I was angered easily.

The
drug has changed me more than I wanted it to. I wasn't too keen on
the idea of taking it, because I think depression is just a state of
mind that only you can cure yourself over
time, not something a pill can help fix. I want to apologize to
everyone I have alienated, angered, saddened, or if I have made you
feel unwanted. Due to problems in my real-life, which none of you
have control over, I began lashing out at people who were just trying
to be friendly or ask me for help.

But this still doesn't
explain why I 'faked my death'. I never said Kevin Moore died. I said
Vash died. I was tired of using the alias. I wasn't unique, I didn't
have a legacy, and I had no connections. Due to this pill I have lost
passion in mapping. I cannot think of ideas anymore and the last map
I released as hellfight - a map made in February.
I killed off the alias and tried to leave it all behind. But I
noticed people somewhat missed me. I have read the thread and I am
deeply thankful. You all have shown me that while you may not show it
all the time you still have a bit of care for a big idiot like me.

Hopefully the elimination of this pill will bring back the
dumb Vash that everyone knew. Not this monster that psychiatrists
have created...

Holy crap I'm glad to hear your not really dead.

I had some problems with psychiatrists when i was 8 or 9. Can't recall. My ahem "beloved" parents took me to such a "henchman of satan" because i...well...let's say i was a little disturbed, having constant nightmares about dead people and stuff like that (strangely, all of them involved chocking). I was "cured" but even today, when going on a ship or eating cuttlefish, i think that i would rather put a bullet through my brain than to die due to the lack of air.

While I know this is not the best time to ask, if anyone has any coding
skills or connections to coders please inform them or me. I am in-need
of some coding help for a modification I'd like to do.

I hate psychiatrists. They never know what the problem is. I remember one time my parents had me go, nothing was really wrong and the psychiatrists was such a bitch. I just started bulls**tting with her and getting her to believe all this stuff. Then when I walked out of the room I said something along the lines. "oh by the way that was all a lie". I must've been the only one who thought it was funny.

YAY!!! = D i will desperatly try to gather some modders i would desperatly love to see a trigun mod =)

or any mod for that matter gl finding them !

I am sad to say the Trigun mod is no longer being developed. I will
give the rights to someone if they want it, I wish to pursue other
ideas.

i would enjoy to work on it but i would need a team. i have watched the anime 4 times so i do have an idea of what you may have had in mind when you were making it =P

btw vash sorry bout what happend, ive seen a similar instance happen with a friend.

Edit: Good luck , all rejoice many lives have been lost today. but we still have ourselves our friends and god. (if you belive in him no religious contrevercies intended i just feel religious today)

Glad to hear it wasn't true :smile: .

I went to psychiatrists when I was younger because of various problems
and I can say that didn't help me, perhaps even made things worse.

Hope you'll get better man.

I am glad that you are not dead, Vash. I had hoped that it was your brother playing a trick or something. And about the psychiatrist thing, you don't have to worry about feeling out of place around me, I am a sociopath. (that is a person with little or no emotions, only the bad ones like anger and fear, but they have no remorse.) I also belive that things such as these are states of mind that can be fixed by the person affected. I have proved it thus, for i now have all SORTS of great emotions like happiness! Which I am experiencing at the news of your obvious alive-ness. :biggrin:

Merry Christmas, Vash! hey read my "night b4 christmas" poem in the general banter forum! I think you'll like it.

It all makes sense now.

/me waves

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Orpheus</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>/me waves </DIV></DIV>

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Tracer Bullet</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>
<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Orpheus</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>/me waves </DIV></DIV>

</DIV></DIV>

sometimes. less said, is best said.

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Orpheus</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>
<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Tracer Bullet</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>
<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Orpheus</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>/me waves </DIV></DIV>

</DIV></DIV>

sometimes. less said, is best said.

</DIV></DIV>
lol, I'm not anymore. It was a long time ago and it was only ONE instance where i bashed his knee with a shot-put. he deserved it and was an arsehole. just kidding. Anyway, just to explain, I have, FYI, had ALL emotions for YEARS now.

PS. Me is not homicidal.

Stuff has a tendency to happen when I disappear for a few days, I notice.

Actually, it seems that NOTHING has happened lately.... other than this...

hey, its good to here. i sorta understand whats going on, my mom
has depression and she takes some strange meds and she freaks out here
and there and has heremoments. Its just good to here you're not
actually dead. As for coding, im currently learning some C++ through a
book but other than that i have a friend that pretty good but i dunno
if he would be interested in somethin else or have time. He is
currently makeing a team handball mod for HL2 and hopes to soon start a
space war mod. Adios

I don't know you very well, but I'm glad to hear you're okay :smile:

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Orpheus</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>/me waves </DIV></DIV>

I am sending my elite anti-pill ninja squad over there right now! My
girlfriend has the same problems... I know how that feels, man...

it makes sense to me, i have seen people wiht exact the same situation, they went down the drain pretty quikly.

/me waves

Never cry wolf Vash.

That being said, it's a relief you're still of this world...

Thank you for all the kind words and understanding.

Glad to hear you're alive. That's the most important thing. And you'll get over all that psychological stuff, I'm sure.

:smile:

Great to have ya back. Felt pretty bad when Vash got smooshed by
a car. I went to a nutjob doctor once...or twice...but I didn't
need medicine or anything. Anyway, great to see your not on the
other side.

Yay for the Vashz0r. :smile:

Never cry wolf Vash.

That being said, it's a relief you're still of this world...

Yeah, what happens if you DO die and you come back as a ghostly
computer virus and we don't believe you, and just update our
antivirus? Don't ask

Oh my god, there's a ghost haunting these forums!!

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Knives</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>

Yeah, what happens if you DO die and you come back as a ghostly computer virus and we don't believe you, and just update our antivirus? Don't ask
</DIV></DIV>
Antivirus programs should be updated once in a while: there's a horrible virus that, when it infects a machine, just doesn't stop sending sarcastic comments, all the time... There's no cure for this one yet.

Not the dreaded Cassius virus. I am still fixing my system from the Orpheus and Crono worms.

Thought it was called Kain Madness? :biggrin: Just messin.

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Vash</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>Not the dreaded Cassius virus.
</DIV></DIV>
wut

I know how it feels to be depressed. Im slowly recovering from that myself. Except I never went on any pills, or talked to any shrinks. Sometimes life just gets a little out of control at times. But what can we do about it.

Life always has those twists and turns. Those brick walls in the way. Some people have life easier, like my brother. Who has his own motocycle, does good in school, head of school's AV team, going to uni for music, plays counts on fingers 6 instruments very well, etc. Other have it harder. Life is unclear. Our future is unclear.

Life is what we make of it. Which is why I am glad to hear your still in the fight. I tryed leaving but twice did it not work. And I am glad your not at that stage. Seek help if you need it. Doesnt have to be as formal as a phyciatrist, maybe a friend.

Anyways, enough of this post. Welcome back. Stay and map a while. You need to take up the slack since I've stoped mapping. At least, until my friend gets here so we can work on our contest map. It was his idea, he just asked for my help, since I introduced WC to him (back when it was called WC) and we used to map all the time at his house or mine.

feelings are s**t.....................get with it, and finish your mod.....................if you need any help (testing/basic stuff) start giving out commands to people. Be happy to help in anyway i can.

..................................... umm your kinda behind man this
post is quite old & he said he wasnt going to make the trigun mod
if thats what ur askin

You know what makes it even worse is the fact that this happens to thousands of kids per year (myself included). They will usually make up a fake disorder -- something like ADD or simply a "chemical imbalance" -- all of which are plain THEORIES (and never proven to exsist) and then stick them on Haldol or Ridilin (speed).

I'll bet VASH is a smart fellow -- that's usually who they pick to attack.

Are you depressed or told that you are?

Fight the good fight and keep mapping dooder!

s**t man, Im glad that your ok, I understand why you did that, but its
a good thing your off those darn drugs now, they can do crazy stuff to
you. Depression isnt good, a lady down our road wouldnt let her husband
back in thier house and put a bed against the door because she was
depressed :/ Im glad that your getting over it though :biggrin: the happy vash
will be back soon :biggrin:

well if he's not doing it anymore someone needs to pick up where he left off then

They will usually make up a fake disorder -- something like ADD
or simply a "chemical imbalance" -- all of which are plain THEORIES
(and never proven to exsist) and then stick them on Haldol or Ridilin
(speed).

Unadulterated horses**t.

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting TwoKnives</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quote:</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>They will usually make up a fake disorder -- something like ADD or simply a "chemical imbalance" -- all of which are plain THEORIES (and never proven to exsist) and then stick them on Haldol or Ridilin (speed).</DIV></DIV>

Unadulterated horses**t.
</DIV></DIV>
I'm a psych major and we learn in college that lots of diagnosed cases of ADHD ADD and "Chemical imbalance" are REALLY just s**tty parents that let the TV raise thier kids and so the kids don't know s**t and act like animals. Some cases, however, are real.

I don't know if you're disagreeing with me or just making a seperate
point, but he's suggesting that ADHD and chemical imbalances are fictional.

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting TwoKnives</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>I don't know if you're disagreeing with me or just making a seperate point, but he's suggesting that ADHD and chemical imbalances are fictional.
</DIV></DIV>
I am just saying that lots of doctors diagnose this where it really is not present. But these disorders DO exist in reality. Ppl just are using them as an excuse for bad behaviour. ppl nowadays have trouble taking responsibility for thier actions.

<DIV class=quote>
<DIV class=quotetitle>? quoting Vash</DIV>
<DIV class=quotetext>Not the dreaded Cassius virus. I am still fixing my system from the Orpheus and Crono worms.
</DIV></DIV>
clarification please.