The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

Hit my head on the corner of a table. The force was suprising, and I blacked out immediatly, but I was told afterward by the watiress that the spray of bone fragments, blood and grey-matter had taken her 12 hours to clean up.

I awoke in a pool of my own blood to see...

piled as many of my brains as I could back into the gaping jagged hole in my skull, and tried to slink away before I became the murder victim for a Carry Grant film.

And they all drank lemonade. Britney was exhumed and made into a reanimated undead puppet for the Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy, because

..someone had read this sign



and decided that she matched the job perfectly. So they...

Decided to become extremists and force people to join there 'religion', to do this they.....

"The Birds" he replied simply, and I had a chilling feeling I knew what he meant...

We went to his underground layer to view some footage of his project: The birds.
I sat down in a very uncomfortable wooden chair, and starting watching the footage. The scenes of lust, despair and humilitation would never be wiped clean from my mind. Afterwards he turned to me and asked.......

"Shall we release the Birds then?"

"Yes, right away" I cried "but keep the alcaselzer tablets handy"



Horror and mayhem ensued...

but how could we?

By using some sort of magic sword of course!

We would have to feed 'plan x' to the birds when they least expected it...at lunch time! We will spike thier lunch's and set the birds free over london at rush hour!

As noon approched, we were anxious ... then I suddenly realized, Hitchc**k was dead! I turned to him and asked, "aren't you dead??" "I'm an advanced clone, 'go genome' ... now watch the birds" he replied. As we sat on a pourch in his enourmos cloned house, we could see the entire city scape. When noon finally arrived I thought, "this is it", but I was wrong. It seemed that two years before hand NASA, who had become an international 'STOPPER' company after the first martian tried to come back from, well, Mars, released a 'new and improved bird zapper: For the pesky birds who s**t on your car'. Alfred and I watched in horror as these birds were zapped out of the sky ... making roast fessant for anyone on the ground.

Alfred and I, in disapointment from our-desater-causing-blue-balls, began talking. I inquiried about everything and anything I could get him to talk about. I found out that after the genome project was completed humans begane cloning model houses and enlarging them, a 2 week construction time was common. He was talking about the cloning process of humans as well, "You see, anyone can be clones from the smallest fragment which contains their DNA. But, the only problem is the cloning process retrogrades your body and causes it to reject your own blood. Thus doctors came up with the idea of putting some super liquid or some crap in place", "SO, THATS why it started melting my bones" I replied, when ....

A big s**t filled bird fell burnt from the sky, it landed right in front of us, burnt to a crisp. I turned to see if Alfred was ok, but he had suffered noticable burns to his face, it seems our plan had backfired. We went to get up when...

The gastapo came knocking on the door, "werid", I thought.

I took my eye away from the peephole and opened the door for the man.

"Hello, this is the residence of the late Alfred Hitchc**k?" the Gestapo asked.

"Why yes indeed," I replied. "Are you here for his silverware?"

"If it's not too much trouble," he smiled at me.

So I showed the man to the kitchen and allowed him to retrieve Mr. Hitchc**k's silverware set from the drawer next to the dishwasher.

"Stay for tea, will you?" I asked.

"I'd be delighted!" he said, and then we sat down for a cup of Earl Grey. We were having a lovely conversation about different methods of torture, when a rock flew through the window...

It rebounded from his helmet and into the teacup splattering what was apearently his best uniform tunic. "Ein heslich Juden!" he raged jumping up and knocking over the table "Wir mussen alle ermordet! Hail Hitler!"

I thoght this sho of hatred and emotiion was a bit over the top, but I finnished my cup before, leaping up and pretending to be just as enraged about the incident as he apearently was.

Eventualy he calmed down, by which time I had managed to sneak his sidarm out of it's holster while he had been yelling out the window.

He sat down and smiled and righted the table, his pleasent Arian face alight with pleasure at the thought of the ovens back at his base.

The expression melted as I calmly brought the luger up, and punched a 9mm hole stright through his left eye. Blood and brains spatterd reflected from the incide of his helmet and slopped down the back of his neck leaving a bloody pool. on the floor beneith the chair. he was balenced so perfectly, he didn't even fall. just sat there with a smoking hole in his forehead and a piece of brain drooping on his shoulder.

I promptly vomited on the table, despite the justification of my action. I hastily sketched a star of david in the pool of half-digested crumpets and tea, before taking his Stg-44, two potatoe masher grenades, a few spare clips, and exiting out the back...

run out of the over used plot device thinking, "I'm fine now ... so everything will be okay ... and hey at least I got to shoot a Nazi in the face" ... I slowly stopped from my running pace ... and vomited all over the sidewalk from the sight of his eye swinging on the nerve out the back of his skull. Continuing on, I ran and ran. I slowly realized that I had no f**king clue where I was ... I didn't even remember how I got into that house, the only thing I remembered before that was unbearable to think of it was ...

stealing a pie from my mother's house. The shame still burns a hole inside my heart. It's the savagery of the human spirit, I told myself, but the shame burned stronger and stronger until suddenly

I didn't like the look of the character, so I smashed his teeth out with the but of my trusty Sturmgewar, riped is pants down, and stuffed one of my grenades up is ass. He sounded as though he was enjoying that a bit too much, so I pulled the pin and ran for cover...

Little did I know at the time that the grenades I picked up from the future didn't explode, instead they imploded, such that the area was easier to pillage afterwards ... the man collapsed in on himself into nothingness. The only thing that was left was the pin on the ground I picked it up and oddly enough it was the molecular ant ... "holy s**t!" I exclaimed ...

The ant pointed behind me, there were people running down the street towards me, all of them were wearing pink shell suits with black oversized helmets with the word 'Polizei' inprinted onto it, apart from the one at the front, who obviously was the leader. I thought this was it, i was going to be chucked into a dingy german cell for the rest of my life, with a middle aged crack addict called bubba who would make me his bitch. No! i thought, i would make a run for it, here and now. There was a tram behind the police, overtaking them, i still had my pistol, i could overpower the driver and get away.

But then I realized... guns aren't the answer... love and acceptance is! So I ran towards the police officer and gave him a biiiiiiiiiiiiig hug! And flowers rained down from the sky! YAY everyone shouted with glee! Until the toxic fumes came and killed them all. Being the eternal opportunist that I am, I stole all their wallets and ran to the grocery store only to find that the clerk was dead, so I had no need for my money! But I DID have need for all the

Tooth picks on aisle 12, I knew that with the police after me i would have to make a shelter on the outskirts of the town. I could sharpen them with the pen knife I picked up in the aisle near the wood and power tools.

However, before I left, I grabbed a large quantity of bleach and potassium chlorid salt substitute, along with twenty pounds of suger...

When I reached the outskirts and had properly built my tooth pic shelter, I made some potassium perchlorate from the materials I had brought with me, and mixed it throughly with the suger.

Having obtained this very powerfull explosive, all I needed was a target. "I hope I meet a nazi" I thought...

, which was rather apt, given the Nazi convention being held in the next field.

So, creeping up slowly on all fours, the nazi convension slowly dawned below me. But wait, someone else is creeping up on the convension behind me, its...

James Brown! The king of soul had an urgent message to deliver...

Right after I noticed he was there I fell unconscious. When I awoke, I could feel nothing but bright lights and hear nothing but ... James Brown ...

I opened my eyes to see that the entire Nazi threat was being led by the king of soul. My head was pounding to, "SAY IT LOUD!! I'M ARIAN AND I'M PROUD, SAY IT LOUD..." from the wife beater himself.

I slowly stood up, the entire crowd diverted their attention to me, they all had such hatred in them. "What happened", I thought, taking that none of this existed when I originally left this time ... right about now, actually.

Mr. Brown exclaimed, ....

"That man has a large quantity of home-improvised explosives!" His voice was theatrical, and filled with affected outrage "Tear his heart out and bring it to me before he kills us all!".

Fortunately, I still had the molecular ant...

bite them repeatedly until

Stricken for disgusting content

Okay so that last seems to have killed things. eating human bone marrow can do that to a story...

Trying again:

I told the ants to bite repeatedly until...

...the Nazis were so red and irritated theat they were incapacitated by the overpowering need to scratch...

<DIV>The level of frustration in the area skyrocketed.</DIV>
<DIV>.</DIV>
<DIV>"NO! We cannot be defeated by a mere pack of ANTS!" Brown screamed. He grabbed his ever-ready blowtorch and flamed two of his fellow Nazis until all the ants were dead... but not the Nazis. "Capture him and place him in a dark room with nothing but a swinging light and a wooden door!"</DIV>

That is, until Hulk Hogan suddenly appeared (theme music and all), and...

...ripped his shirt down the front, with a menacing look on his face, scaring the Nazi pansies away, and giving me my freedom.

Being free of the evil doers, I now had the opportunity to...

find a clean pair of underware cos with all those Nazi's coming after me I seem to have soiled meself

I searched all the nazis, but found no clean underwear, it seems that they never wash, those smelly bast*rds, I walked over towards brown and checked him, he seemed to waering a bright green thong, i took it of him and headed over towards the toilet to wash it.

but with them being Nazi's that never washed they had riped out all the sinks so my only hope was to find a stream.

The only stream within a 500 km radius happened to be pirana-infested. But I am a manly man, so I jumped right into the water and

poked each pirana in the eye one by one with a coctail stick, before getting out the other side of the river and BBQing them

slightly.

And adding lots of lovely barbeque source to add to the flavour.

when the bbq sauce was finished, i had a thought, and examined the green thong that i had recovered from james brown. no bbq sauce, the stream had washed them clean, and in doing so, had revealed a secret.......

Formulae, on how to....

destroy the world.

Coupled with this and minor super human powered I gained (the burnt bones grew back and I was stronger) I decided to hold the World leaders at the UN hostage until they sent me some back guys to take out ... or else. The meeting went something like this: ....

"Uh, well, gentlemen, our leaders are now being held hostage. I know they are the ones who usually hold these meetings and stuff, but now the task lies on our shoulders. It is our responsibility to do whatever we think they would have done. All in favor of raiding the kitchen for icecream so we can think this over better, say, 'aye'!"

"Aye!"

"All against, say, 'nay'."

"..."

Being unanimous, they head off for the U.N. kitchen

but to there horror they found that they only had a spoonfull of
ice cream left and there was currently a international ice cream shortage.

All hell broke lose in that kitchen over the last pice of icecream and...

before there was any resolve made on who gets the last of the ice cream, several delegates had declared war on each other. canada, france, belgium, and watford had all been nuked.

i knew it was time to......

exact my plan for world peace and crack out the family sized tub of Ben
and Jerrys I had stashed in my freezer. However, I discovered with
great shock that "family size" equated to about 3 teaspoons worth..

In such times of need I turned to my friend,