The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

captin jack daniels. We'd been through some tough times together,
fighting crazed tramps for bread and unearthing corpses for a bit of...

coffee

After a few swigs, I realized that world peace wasn't all that important, and that I rather liked loud bangs and mushroom clouds, so I...

thought of all that piranha and bbq sause that i ate, decided to get down on my back, draw my knees up to my chin, place a lighted match to my arse and let rrrrip.

as the flame rose, it lit up quite clearly hiding in one of the corners, a ................

beautiful woman. She was

selling overpriced novelty statues of Oprah. Being one of Oprah's
biggest fans, I naturally purchased a few hundred. But my good buddy
Cpt. Jack Daniels wanted all the statues for himself, that bastard!
Enraged by his all-consuming greed, I approached the captain with
murderous intent and

lost my guts right at the last second. Instead of murdering the
captain, I suggested we drink a few measures of Jack Daniels and book
tickets for our journey to Africa, where we to meet our contact..

Iggy Pop.

but when we got there, there was only an old wrinkly guy, weariing some sort of polythene-see-through suit. he was in the process of hypnotizing some chickens, when he turned to me and..............

stared at the beautiful woman following me

Which happened to be....Sharon Ozbourne!

Then I realized Sharon "Ozbourne" was not beautiful nor a woman and
turned back to the old wrinkled nudist. However, I noted something
particularly odd about his chickens. They were acting strangely, almost
as if the old man was training them to

wreak anarchistic havoc among the world's elite!

bog snorklers. But the old wrinkled nudist (who I was now begining to think
looked like Mick Jagger) had forgot that chickens couldn't swim

but, in time honoured fashion they most certainly COULD cross the road

• I was about to ask why, but realised the "punchline" was more

horrific than I could ever contemplate, the chickens had..

Chicken P0x!

and they were taking out their fury at being thwarted by the bog snorklers habitat, by singing jason donovan songs. people were falling all around me, but i could feel something throbbing at my crotch.

it was james browns thong. it was protecting me from the evil wail of the mad chickens. but was it worth it?.............

hurriedly, i...............

vomited at the thought of where my undergarments had been before they came into my posession. Images of James Brown haunt me to this day, you know. Now where was I...

OH! Yes, I was telling you about...

peaches and the vermin-infested factory that they were genetically malformed in. These peaches could destroy the world if they fell into the wrong hands... but was there really a "right hands" for something so vile, so evil, that they still tasted good before the rapid onset of ebola?

an ebola that could malform ones state of mind to think that school is good for you. And then this terrible plauge started to infest the world, a tactical team of.......

smart blondes, who had just got into government, had issued a warrenty for your arrest, apperntly the nazis that you had killed, were producing an antidote for the removal of this hideous virus!

$loth said:
smart blondes,

plot hole

As this knowledge came to light, I stopped to ponder the situation. This was a very introspective time for me and I was quite vulnerable to itching fits. I was scratching my lower back when I noticed that the tag on James Brown's thong was unusually thick. Turns out, it was a long strip of microfilm, folded several hundred times, and containing the formulae for the antidote!

However, there seemed to be an adult movie contained on the microfilm as well as the antidote, so I sat down and opened up a bag of pop corn...

After several sticky tissues later :rolleyes: and a bag of popcorn I was ready to carry on with producing the antidote to the virus.

Unfortunately, I had already become infected, and blood was streaming from every orifice. However since my blood was actualy composed of hydroflouric acid (I had a transplant a while back if you remember) It desolved any part of the microfilm that I touched. I needed help so I...

...called to He-Man for help in finding my other shoe, because...

SKELETOR was pwning my mothAr.

And he was wearing a ridiculous bright blue t-shirt.

In the end, I decided to igonre the orgastic screams of "please Skel, hit me harder! harder!" it was not, I thought, somthing which He-Man (aka Cassius :wink: ) should be exposed to. I settled for his help reading the micro film. Aside from thinking Skelator might simply die from the smell of it, I wanted my shoe because it contained an inflatable bio-chemistry laborotory in which I could whip up the vaccine for the horibblie ebola like virus that was mercilisly eating my insides. It sort of felt like rats were trying to knaw their way out, and I thought I'd like to be rid of it. So once I had my shoe, and my 400 pound mother had quieted down some (Ahhhh, Skeellaaator... throaty and stisfied (I've no idea how he found it under all her rolls )) I began my task only to find that I was missing a vital ingredient. The...

$50 starter fee ...

...which doesn't really amount to anything substantial, considering inflation. I was able to scrounge it up from under the sofa cushions and before you knew it...

My vacine was complete, in the form of...... Adam Sandler!

I swallowed the vaccine whole, and as well as curing the before-mentioned-couldn't-be-bothered-to-go-back-and-look-disease/miss-hap, I now had a lovely mullet of hair growing out of my head, just like monqui....

but then it started to decay and fall off and i decided to change my name to lep. were i ran this uber-kingdom of people who make level design when they get free time. I realized that the antidote was missing the key ingredient.....

common sense.

And, common sense dictates that I was hallucinating. That's right- hallucinating. There never was any mullet on my head to begin with, thank god, nor did I ever change my name. Now that I was back to my former healthy self, I decided to take common sense one step further and get rid of this stupid itchy thong. I felt so liberated that I...

...Decided to go for an even more liberating skinny dip at a nearby all-girls college swiming pool. Those who were there seemd to like the look of me, and the feeling was mututal, so I...

jumped in. Little did I know, in the year 2050 there was a human crisis, everyone was too prude to touch another person and the human race almost died, so the pamplet said that I read at the doctors office. The blood that I now had in my veins also worked as a human 'seed', if you will.

I think I just gained some offspring ...

... It was a pretty cool all-girls college, and about a dozen beautiful women joined me in the pool. We played Marco Polo, and lots of other fantastic water sports like... ...water volleyball and...

...completely free, unbridled, unprotected...

Water Wrestling......

Unfortunatly for me, (and the rest of the world) an islamic terrorist planted a fifty gigaton thermonuclear warhead on the leading edge of the moon. the impulse from this stupendous detonation caused it to loose just enough otbital velocity so that it spiraled into the earth. Before I could lay hands on any one of those beautifull girls, the earth was utterly destroyed. If you're wondering, this story was written down by my immortal soul. Unfortunatly, thermodynamics is relentless, and I expect entopy to devour my over-organized being momentarily.

--The end--

OR IS IT

Starring






...

and then this crazy ass old guy started walking down the street towards the first showing of.... the story. This crazy old man happened to be...... DUN DUN DUN!......

Kevin Costner!

So I shot him on general principle. I mean, just look at The Postman! What was he thinking?!

After which I decided that the ideal way for me to spend an idle week would be to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! So I recruited two clowns and a monkey to help me start. First step towards world domination, ...