
Dear god... he- he's right.
These "Apple people" are a landing platform for a powerful race of extraterrestrials, or extra
dimensionals, rather. Earthlings from a parallel universe, where the peace movement took hold in the sixties and instead of the Vietnam war everyone just sat around drinking coffee, smoking pot and playing hacky sack and/or various kinds of hand drums with readings of freeform poetry that doesn't really make sense no matter which way you slice it interspersed throughout. They abolished war and focused on advancing civilization, though most of the advancements were made in the fields of coffee, pot, and hackysack.
Another version of humanity, from a different parallel universe where Hitler won the war and his successors installed totalitarian control across the globe and they focused not on pot and hackysack, but real science, with military applications, developed a way of communicating with the people of other universes who also had the same technology. The people they found on the other end of the line transmitted back schematics to build a device capable of crossing into other universes through the 11th dimension which the totalitarians used to enslave the dirty hippy universe. And since the nineteen-seventies they've been transmitting brainwashing communications into
our universe, preparing to enslave
us! The only thing that has kept us from complete assimilation is the Flying Spaghetti Monster (know henceforth in this document as FSM), who is an agent of the Benevolent Egyptian Lizard People (known henceforth as the BELP), not to be confused with the Malevolent Eqyptian Lizard People (known henceforth as the MELP), who are in league with the Future Society of Humans (know henceforth as FSH), who provided the Totalitarian Alternate Universe Human Civilization (known henceforth as TAUHC) the technology to cross the 11th dimension and enslave the Dirty Hippy Alternate Universe Human Civilization (known henceforth as DHAUHC), who provided the TAUHC a way past FSM's cosmopsychic field into Our World (know henceforth as OW) in the form of a hip image to push onto the people of OW to brainwash them.
FSM is powerless to stop the interdimensional communications from TAUHC, who influenced several entrepreneurs and celebrities in OW, including Steve Jobs, Steve Ballmer, L. Ron Hubbard, and Stephen Baldwin. The've cultivated an image that will transform OW Human Civilization (known henceforth as OWHC) into dirty hippies, and they're doing this because dirty hippies are easy to push around. Unfortunately, with FSM in OW, the BELP is left defenseless against TAUHC crossing into BELP's universe from both TAU and DHAU. That means the BELP is under siege, and since we humans are so good at reproducing, they're vastly outnumbered. If and when the BELP falls, the MELP (with help from FSH) will invade TAU and DHAU and FSH will take control of the BELP universe, where they will undoubtedly destroy FSM (if TAUHC haven't already done so), leaving OW vulnerable to a full-scale invasion from any number of at least EIGHT DIFFERENT UNIVERSES.
My proposal is covertly developing interdimensional transport of our own, and
invading TAUHC. It would also be wise to interbreed with BELP to strengthen the ties between us, because without each other, OW and the BELP will surely fall. I predict a war lasting
at least 500 years, and there's a very good chance our planet Earth will be utterly destroyed, so it is of the utmost importance that we colonize space as soon as possible. Boycotting the Ipod AND the Zune, in addition to scientology, the Baldwins and the metric system will surely increase the chances of OW survival against the TAUHC/Apple/MELP/RIAA/FSH onslaught, but that's only the beginning of what must be done. Remember that a group is nothing but a collection of individuals, that without the individuals the group has no power, and that every individual has the power to make a difference.
I fear they'll come for me now that I've exposed the awful truth, so if you never hear from me again,
for FSM's sake, do NOT let my warnings fall on deaf ears.
JUST SAY NO TO APPLE.
o