Science-fiction book

Hey everyone. I've decided to take a break from mapping for a while to write a science-fiction book. I'll include the prologue to the story in this post, so send me some feedback. The name of the story is A Cry in Paradise.

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"I'm telling you Jaimie, we're lost," said Casey. "Hush. The camp's gotta be right around this bend," replied Jaimie. "Wait, what's that up ahead..." The two explorers found themselves face to face with a gigantic monolith. On it were strange markings, some of which looked to be of some hideous beast of times long past. "What is it?" asked Casey. "I don't know..." said Jaimie, "but whatever it is it's giving me the creeps. Lets keep walking." The two traveled on for what semed to be several hours until they reached the mouth of a cave. On the outside were markings, several of which resembled the ones they had seen earlier on the monolith. "Look here, more markings..." inquired Casey. "Interesting. Very interesting indeed..." After a few minutes of studying the markings, the two laid down to rest inside the entrance of the cave. Casey, after helping Jaimie settle in, laid down against the opposite wall of the cave, and drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later Casey was awoken by a terrifying sound. He awoke with a start, and, after scanning his surroundings, noticed it was dark out. Then he noticed that Jaimie was missing. Where she had lain there was a trail of blood that led down into the cave. Casey, terrified by the thought of losing Jaimie, followed the trail down into the darkness of the cave. After a few minutes of walking Casey got to the point where he could see no more light. He lit a flare and was horrified by what lay about him. All around him were piles of bone and flesh. I must be dreaming. God, please let this be a dream, Casey thought to himself. All of a sudden he started to hear a low rumbling sound coming from behind him. Slowly he turned around, and found himself face to face with a terrifying beast. The last thing Casey saw was a long, sharp, pointed tail lunging towards his face...

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Tell me what you guys think.

Why would the creature drag one of into the cave, and leave one behind? Why would it drag her into the cave? Why not just do 'em both there and then?

Hmm.

I don't know yet, that's all I've written. Plus, I wanted it to be interesting, leaving your question of why wouldn't the creature kill Casey at that time also a mystery. Who knows, maybe it didn't notice him?

Sounds good so far.

Bit cheesy, change the names of the characters... Annoying names to relate to.

In sci fi novels you need cool names like "Nikoto", "Mhari" or "Dave"...

Err, you want to write a book, and you've got two paragraphs? Ain't gonna happen. Every story I tried to write by just sitting down and writing went nowhere. I think it would be far more efficient to figure out your characters and the general plot structure before tossing a single word onto paper. Maybe you've done this, maybe you haven't. But I recommend it. Simply writing a taste with a "Gee, what's going on here?" feel isn't enough. You'll eventually find yourself trying to solve your mysteries like a reader, which typically leads to far less satisfying solutions, and a generally convoluted feel to the entire piece.

True, but I have planned out most of the story. I just haven't decided what elements I will use. Plus, this science-fiction story is also a suspense/thriller, kind of like a Stephen King book (ex. The Langoliers), one that does not have a major horror element in it. That's why I'm using the names I'm using. One more thing - the two paragraphs. That's just my prologue, and it's the only thing I wanted to release.

|=Tarosek=| said:
He awoke with a start, and, after scanning his surroundings, noticed it was dark out.

maybe i'm being picky, but wouldn't the fact that it was dark be the first thing someone would notice when they wake up, seeing as how, generally, there aren't that many streetlights where explorers tread.

and some description of where this is happening would be an idea. somehow i had 'jungle' in mind, but you dont mention that.

Don't worry. It all starts to unfold in chapter 1. This is just the prologue. You're also right about the jungle setting. Think about it. The mouth of a cave in the middle of a jungle, with the moonlight shining down. Also, he was terrified when he awoke, causing him to look around in fear. You have to imagine things like that, or else i could change it slightly...

Speaking of awoke, I don't think awoken is a word, atleast not in the context you used it.

Good luck on the writing. :smile: I've got most of the plot for a book done, but after writing 20 pages, I'm just like "I want to have a billion paper cuts and then take a bath in salt." But that's just because I'm not exactly sure of where to go with it.

Anyway, I'll just repeat the same old BS that it takes a lot of time, hard work, and dedication. Again, good luck. :smile:

I agree with CCS here- whenever I try to make a story, I try to come up with 2 things before actually writing- the general situation that the characters are going to go through (just generals though, nothing over specific at this point), and who the characters actually are. Flesh out their personalities in your mind before you ever try to do it on paper- If I don't do this, I find that I usually want to change the general tone of the character once I get to the end of the story- because they evolve somewhat seperatly from the story when I write it. Basically, the characters are who I want them to be at the end of the story, but they make a slow transition into that character, instead of starting out as it.

I like to think of it as having people living in my head, and forcing them to go through some situation- and letting THEM decide what they want to do when they get there. I have general themes, and general points I want to make, but I also want the characters to feel like they're real to other people. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it's hard to do this if you don't know who these people are.

Just my advice, and good luck with the writing!

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like an episode of Scooby Doo.

"Slowly he turned around, and found himself face to face with a terrifying beast."

FEEL TEH TERORO!!!11

"terrified by the thought of losing Jaimie"

FEEL TEH EMOTISON!!11

"long, sharp, pointed tail lunging towards his face..."

FEEL TEH POOR DISCRIPTIONS OF THE SELF-PROCLAIMED TERRIFYING ANIMAL AND HIS TERRIFYING TAIL!!!!!

Cassius said:
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like an episode of Scooby Doo.

"Slowly he turned around, and found himself face to face with a terrifying beast."

FEEL TEH TERORO!!!11

"terrified by the thought of losing Jaimie"

FEEL TEH EMOTISON!!11

"long, sharp, pointed tail lunging towards his face..."

FEEL TEH POOR DISCRIPTIONS OF THE SELF-PROCLAIMED TERRIFYING ANIMAL AND HIS TERRIFYING TAIL!!!!!

lol!

good luck @ the writing. Looks good so far.

Back when my grammar and spelling didn't suck, I used to enjoy writing.

Spice up your writing up a bit...try to put the reader right in the middle, instead of just narrating what happened. I was bored tonight, so I decided to pick on your story, and make it a little scarier. Here's my shot at it....

---

"Dave woke, unexpectedly blinded by the veil of night. A cool breeze swirled around the cave, bringing with it the retched smell of death. He reached out for Nicoto, and only grabbed cool stone and dirt. Panicked, he sprang to his feet, not knowing exactly which way to go. He scurried forward on hands and knees, toward the only shape he could make out; a blurry silouette of light cast on the inner walls of the cave. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, the image came into focus. Dave simultaneously screamed and vomited. His soul, bludgeoned by what he saw, spewed forth an objection that both splattered and ricochet off the cave walls, like an explosion.

Hovering two feet in the air; both suspended and impaled by an undulating, organic spear, was his beautiful Nicoto. She stared at him with the wet, glazed, eyes of some surreal china doll.

Dave bolted towards her, releasing a whooping scream, that ended with a 'gasp' and a 'crunch', as his head smashed into an unseen rock-wall. He was oblivious to the pain, and kept moving, not even aware that his nose was no longer perpendicular to his face.

Then she was gone.

The world went black, as Dave's trajectory, and only light source, was blocked by some massive moving wall. As he hit it, and felt its wet, scaley texture, he was jarred with a moment of terrifying clarity. This was a dream! Her dream! This was the haunting vision that tore at Nicotos mind while she slept. The nightmare that she spoke of seldom, and cried over often.

He was in Nicotos mind! He would be witness to her greatest torment; the gruesome vision of her own brutal end. He looked up into the smoldering face, of the demon he had just collided with, and thought he saw a faint, evil, smirk, right before it grasped his head and lifted him from the ground. He heard a wet mechanical 'whirrr' of the creatures cyberorganic tentacles, as they flew towards his face. The fingers peirced his eardrums in an explosion of pain, as they forced their way through his ear cavity, and into his brain. The world went electric blue, as the creature spoke directly to his mind, informing him of his penalty. " You walk where no man need treaspass. Your fathers paid the price, with the blood of their earth. Return to your ship, and leave this planet....or die!"

Dave woke, unexpectedly blinded by a warm bloom of morning sun. He reached out for Nicoto, relieved when his hand met her warm skin. She was awake, also....

---

Alright, someone add the next chapter. :dorky:

Better than the original, but perhaps a bit too dark.

You could learn from this example, methinks.

somehow, books that begin in the middle of something, always seemed to cheat me out of something, i cannot explain it, but..

in this one, the dude wakes up to an event already in progress..

anywho's, my wife hounds me at least once a week to write a book, she says i have a talent for it.. i tell her, i cannot even capture snarkpits attention most times, how could i capture peoples who don't even know me?

/ 2 cents

Orph, I wouldn't base your writing ability on what happens around here... If she is convinced you could do it, why not give it a go? The worst that could happen would be that you went for a few weeks, then decide to give up - nothing lost really.

How about this:

Bleak......Dismal....bad.

These words fluttered uneasily in and throughout the outer rim of Casey's thoughts as he and Jamie made their way across the vast landscape which lay around them. Sharp upwardly spiral outcroppings of blood red rocks had started to dot the horizon.A stark contrast to the Indigo sky. In casey's mind , he saw them as a bad omen. Tall craggy spectres of ill will, beckoning them towards god knows what else.

Maybe leaving basecamp was a bad idea, still, he put on a brave face for her. Lord knows she was already in a bad way since the attacks. The fact that she had made it this far was testament to her will and strength , but there seemed to be a growing somberness to her cadence of late, and he wondered just how much more she had in her. There was a line that she should'nt cross, and he knew it was just a blood red stones throw away. It was in her eyes. Still, he forged on as if all was well. Casey knew there was practically no chance for a happy ending here. Hell, there was NO chance really. This was becoming more and more difficult to shield from her though. "Just keep moving" he thought.

By day three(earth time) they had reached the mid-afternoon sky of the planets slow lumbering cycle. There was at least 60 kilometers they had to cover before the long lightless nightfall would set in, and Casey was determined to keep up the pace. The rock formations had begun to increase in numbers, a good sign(If there was such a thing in this case) that the Mountainous region of Fane county was looming somewhere closer in the distance. He had managed to shoot a couple of stench lizards they had stumbled across, sleeping in the dark purple shadows of the hot afternoon sun. He pretended they were a true delicacy as he peeled the tough sour meat from the bones of the carcass. He made a sushi joke and Jamie smiled. That was a moment. Her radiance cast a shallow glow over the terrible situation. It was like a small vacation mentally, from the current reality.Very small.

Day 5. After so much nothingness it almost struck him in the face. The visual blast of the smooth surfaced monolith emerging from between the jagged rocks was unsettling to say the least. Dusk would give way to the night in less than two days E.T. and the first sun had already settled behind the now visible mountainous horizon of Fane county. The late lazy shadows of the second sunset cast a greenish pall over the ruines scribed into the monolith. Jamie approached the monolith and ran her fingers gently over the strange characters. She drew soft circles over them, like a blind man seeking out character in a strangers face. She looked but did not see. Casey saw though. He wanted nothing to do with their terrible message.He also knew they had a good chance now of finding the entrance to the cave. If good was he right word to use.It probably was'nt.

whaddaya think?

PS my apologies for using the original characters, I only wanted to embellish his idea in the hopes of giving inspiration.

Dave simultaneously screamed and vomited.

....which should be physically impossible for a human. Although Dave had enough sense to scarper from the slimy-cybernetic-amorphous-tentacular blob of jism that had just perforated his girlfriend, he later died from a nasty lung infection.

LOL

Back when my grammar and spelling didn't suck, I used to enjoy writing.

How can your spelling and grammar get worse over time? I didn't think they were really the sort of skills you lose...

Besides, your spelling and grammar seem pretty good to me. Granted, there are mistakes in your writing, but they're fairly minor :smile:

All really good suggestions guys. For those of you trying to spice up my story, though, let me let you in on a tip. First of all, I'm not aiming for a horror story, I'm aiming for a sci-fi thriller/suspense, so nothing too gruesome. Also, what I wrote was a prologue. I don't want too much revealed right now, for I want the reader to get hooked with the prologue, not turned away because he/she doesn't like horror novels. Other than that, I like the rest of the suggestions. Oh and one more thing. For those of you giving me suggestions on how to write, I already have the story planned out, and am just connecting the major events with some humorous and thrilling transitions. Keep the suggestions coming, though. Who knows, I might just use one.

Keep us posted. I'm always interested in the progress of new authors - let us know what you learn about writing! Tips for success, and perhaps more importantly tips to avoid failure.

Actually, I seem to have lost some of my grammar and spelling skills
lately - in high school I used to have word battles with a mate of mine
(we would basically just have conversations using stupid overly complex
words) for a laugh, but lately I seem to be having trouble
putting together sentences that don't have one flaw or another in them.
I guess when you stop using English in the way you did in the past (for
instance, an English class) your grammatical dexterity can fade a
little. I very rarely find myself needing to write formally anymore and
as such it comes as a little more of a challenge than it used to.

Figer I love your version! It's kick ass, brings me closer to the screen to read (though the screaming and vomiting thing is impossible I'm sure). The name Nicoto seems to go well in the story too... not sure bout Dave lol

I suppose it's sort of ironic, Reno, that my grammar/spelling skills actually improved since I stopped having to take English at school. Maybe it was my idiotic teacher... or the fact it was boring as hell.

I think coming here improves ones english.

Hmm, I'm sorry I sort of missed this thread. To be honest I don't like the prologue you have written. I like Juim's version the best, as it gives a sense of suspense without relying on horror.

In terms of how you write I don't think you should be taking anyones advice on that. If it works for you to be highly organized with a detailed outline; great, but if not, don't let people tell you that you need it. The biggest obsticale to writing a full length book is not talent, it is the sheer size of the undertaking. You need to find an organizational style that works for you and go with it. Outlining characters is a good idea, but if you cannot work that way it is useless to you.

I find myself incapable of creating a detailed outline, but also in need of a stark skelatal framework with which to guide myself. this includes the gerneral direction things are going but does not include any of the more personal twists.

Somthing I find myself somewhat weak on is characterization, and this truely is the life of a story. There are books that can get along without it, but for the most part, it does not matter what the story is if your characters are flat and uninteresting. A good exercise I have found for improoveing these skills is to write little bits about random people you see in your life. if you see someone with an interesting face, make up a paragraph about that individual. It's both educational and entertaining so you have nothing to lose :smile:

Good luck

You said a mouthfull, Tracer. I just want to comment on one thing. The prologue of my story isn't really supposed to be doing anything other than setting up the plot. Also, everyone else's "versions" all have one thing I do not want: too much gore. This book is not supposed to be a horror story, its supposed to be a sci-fi thriller/suspense. Also, believe it or not writers do not just make up random names off the top of their head; they try to find a name with meaning. I chose the name Casey because I needed a person who would be brave enough to actually follow the trail of blood into the cave. Jaimie was just a random name, but that's only because I did not need her character's name to have a meaning, since her purpose was to die.

Juim, I just want to say that your version of my prologue completely unravels the plot, causing the entire story to fall apart. Like I've said, I already have the story all planned out, I'm just connecting the major sections. Also, your story does not exactly pull me into the story, in fact it kind of bores me. But that's just the way I am, the kind of stories I like. Other people may like your version, but I do not, since I've already established a firm foundation for the mystery within my story.

No one is suggesting that you adopt those "versions" or anything like that. it is unsuprising that they do not work within the context of your planned story since we have no idea what you are thinking. I do however view those two stabs at it both containing some good elements of writing. it is the way things are said more than what is said that makes them stand out in my mind.

I chose the name Casey because I needed a person who would be brave enough to actually follow the trail of blood into the cave. Jaimie was just a random name, but that's only because I did not need her character's name to have a meaning, since her purpose was to die.

Names don't define people, the way you create the characters defines people. 'Casey' is going to be no more brave than if you replace the name with 'Raoul.'

KungFuSquirrel said:

I chose the name Casey because I needed a person who would be brave enough to actually follow the trail of blood into the cave. Jaimie was just a random name, but that's only because I did not need her character's name to have a meaning, since her purpose was to die.

Names don't define people, the way you create the characters defines people. 'Casey' is going to be no more brave than if you replace the name with 'Raoul.'

unless of course, you're eating him

/runs from onslaught crowd who hates poor jokes no one understands

KungFuSquirrel said:
Names don't define people, the way you create the characters defines people. 'Casey' is going to be no more brave than if you replace the name with 'Raoul.'

Generally true; certainly names cannot by themselves create a character. However, names can have significance: consider "Winston Smith" in Orwell's 1984.

I understand that you may not like my what I wrote, it was incomplete. It IS Your story I mean. Actually, if you compare the two (Yours, mine), my version merely expands on only the first nine sentences of yours. What you have written IMO, may be better suited for the dust jacket teaser of a novel. My whole point being that you tried to convey too much of a situation in too little of a space (2 paragraphs). Still though, I wish you luck and good writing!

juim, it may be my imagination but, i think your avatar, makes mine drip faster.. especially when they are on the same page :heee:

LOL.

)thanks, I laughed coffee into my nose.(

Juim said:
LOL.

)thanks, I laughed coffee into my nose.(

only cause i truly care ol' man :smile: