The Story, A Dramatic Tale in Hundreds of Parts

The blackness fades from my eyes as I awaken in an unfamiliar place. Rubbing my eyes I look around. It is a small, empty room with a wooden door. There is no furniture nor any windows- nothing but a lightbulb hanging from the ceiling which illuminates the plain, white walls. I start walking for the door...

when suddenly i notice a faint, but distinct noise. i listen to it for a while, in the hopes that i can detect the general direction it originates from. Upon reaching the door i find that its..

A land shark! I run into the living room and grab my trusty harpoon gun off the wall when SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE

... Britney Spears opens a secret floor hatch, takes hold of my hand, and leads me down to a secret underground...

passage. I notice the dampness of the walls once a drop falls on my forehead, but we press on anyways. Once we reach the end I see something I never would have dreamt possible. She

pulled out a machine gun and started blasting all the zombie alien hybrid creatures which were swarming out of the walls like some form of STD. Behind her

Gordon freeman appears! with a head crab munching on his brains, i pull out a machine gun when suddenly...

Britney pulls out a boombox and begins playing her newest song! The headcrab immediately shrivels up and all of the zombie alien hybrids explode from the madness. Fortunately, I decided to fill the boombox full of bullets. Britney immediately exclaimed:

"I'm a whore!" ... we pressed on into the zombie smitten darkness.

Finally, Britney and I come upon the Boss Zombie, within his mildew-ecrusted underground lair. He demands a human sacrifice and I volunteer Ms. Spears without hesitation. Several zombie slaves start turning a huge crank and the floor begins to slide open. Britney is screaming with well-deserved terror and then...

I come to my senses and realize that Britney may not be a good musician, but she has many... intangibles... that need... utilizing... and is too important to just sacrifice like any old woman. I yell to the Boss Zombie, saying "I've got a better person to sacrifice!" and point at...

Michael Bay who just happened to be standing behind the zombie lord.

Dr. Phil. As my outreached finger pointed at the middle aged psycho on the big underground T.V., Phils' large white bulbous balding head was beaming entrancing rays of evil into the minds of the zombies, who then, alsmost 2 seconds away from ending Ms. Spears career, decided to...

...return the Michael Bay mask to Dr. Phil, because although he is an evil doctor, he is a jolly evil doctor.

One good thing that could be said of the zombie lord is that he does make exceedingly good cakes, but

cakes are a leading cause of obesity, and lord knows that obese people can't

eat young women, or old ones either for that matter.. as i look at the cakes i notice that they contain rice.. "RICE" i exclaim, "who ever heard of zombies eating rice cakes?"

The zombies eat the rice cakes and save the human sacrafice for later, allowing me and ms.spears to go free if she does one task

... MURDER SANTA CLAUS ... we were off to the north pole immediately, via the small teleporter she hid somewhere on her body.

<DIV>Daymn this place is cold. "This place is f**king cold, like, yeah," Britney exclaims. "Hey, eating stuff makes you warm - lets eat the snow!" Of course, she is perfectly dressed for the situation in a miniskirt and microtop. I leave her to eating the snow, and look around us to find...</DIV>

A cave, i could see one in the distance, i told the bi*ch to stop eating snow and get moving, she grabbed both our bags and was off, i trailed behind her, we reached the cave and found it to be....

Pauly Shore racing up the hill on his snowmobile. He hops off and...

promptly ejaculates, "Good lord! I appear to have become teleported into the article wasteland! I also seem to have become intensely british! What the deuce?" He turns and stares at Britney eating the snow, and

says "What the bloody hell are you doing here get off my land" in a cornish accent.

and Britney exploded in front of his eyes! "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!" she screamed.

His hitherto-unheard-of man-servant Baldrick, who was masticating furiously at the time, started to become concerned at the innuendo and pointlessness of it all. He promptly whipped out his

--- no -- wait! He coud'nt whip anything out! He didn't have anything!! His only hope now was to

find santa and try to convice him that he had been a good boy. But it didn't all to to plan and...

all of a sudden a zombie walked by! He coiled up in fear, but it only said "Hai" and then

...he exploded.

"That was a tad premature" Santa thought, so he decided that...

he was born with it.

Sant agreed to let him drive his sleigh, but the problem was that

Rudolfs nose had gone out and no one had any matches to relight it

so santa decided to send him on a quest to get some matches and lighter fluid, and of all places, santa chose

a c**kney market trader, who just happened to be there selling matches and lightning rods. Once the lightning rod had been attached to rudolf's nose...

...we all just sat around on the reindeer, waiting for a thunderstorm to ignite Rudy's nose and when it finally did we...

...were all made ridged as oak planks as forty million volts caused all our muscles to contract violently and uncontrollably. all hair was singed from our bodies and the smell of burning charred flesh hung sickly in the air. it was only then that we realized that...

if somebody didn't pry us up off the sleigh QUICK we were in big trouble, when santa realized this, he said: "Ho ho ho looks like santa lost a little belly fat." then we saw britaney! She was alive!

...there were two clumps of hair placed under Britney's armpits... did this make her a man, or simply a hairy woman? To find out, I decided to consult the...

hallucinogenic gnome standing on my shoulder. He responded "Well, you're pathetic enough to tap her either way." I nodded and giggled like a little Japanese school-girl. Apparently the cold was warping my mind into an acid-trip-like state. In the distance I could see

garbage cans... and they were getting closer. Apparently, garbage loves company. I took out my gun, slammed a nickel roll in, and opened fire. The garbage cans didn't stand a chance against the onslaught. The courts decided to try me for manslaughter... self-defense doesn't fly with a garbage can. Soon after I was put into the psychiatric ward, where I met

an ant, who knew of way to get us out by going up to the door, and making his malicular cell structure break down into so few atoms that he could re arange himself into a key. Once he did that...

He turned into a therm optic shield and wrapped around me such I could escape unseen.
I quickly went to find my mediocre companions, who have no brains.
Pauly and Brittney seemed to have made a life for themselves.

when I saw this the only thing that came to mind was:"I thought that bitch was getting married to some ass clown".

I readily forgot that the TransformerAnt was still wrapping me up, invisible.

I decided to

... spy on them as they lived out their kinky sexual fantisies; armpit hair and all. unfortunatly the projectile vomit which spilled form my gaping maw at the sight could not be hidden by the thrm photo sheild and they realized they had been discovered in the act...

so they quickly dived out the window, and threw a time bomb back through the window to cover their tracks. The only words that came out of his mouth were "!!!" after saying that, he quickly

erupted in flames and promptly died

... or did he?

The time flux thrusted us to the year 1609 ... with in twenty minutes of being there, Brittney was being accused of being a witch ... they thought I was a warlock of some sort, the term optics didn't help.

I finally found the cliff where the "been around" Brittney was being pushed off of ... I didn't want to save her, but I had to, she's the one who built the time bomb, maybe she was more valuable then I could imagine. Without hesitation I jumped after her, hearing 15th century obsinities being screamed at me, As I was catching up to her, there was a second time flux and we found our selves ...

...in the year 2069.

By this time Britney Spears had faded from the spotlight and wasted all of her millions on gambling and booze. Being poor on the street with nobody to turn to for help but myself, I took pity on her and we drove to the International Institute Of Scientific Testing in hopes of finding a job for Britney. After signing a few papers, they dragged her away and locked her up in a cage. At this point, I was feeling pretty hungry so I hopped back into my water-powered car and drove to the nearest

Hospital, because I've obviously suffered a head wound.

On the way there I wondered where I got that car ... and why Brittney was effected by time when she went through the time flux.

When I reached the hospital I found that, in only 65 years humans had evolved past the use of blood instead they used ...

...hydrofluoric acid...

An artificial copper-based substitute modeled on the natural oxygen transport protine hemocyanin. this "super blood" whil green rather than red, geave people enourmous endurance. a five-year old infused with the stuff could swim the english channel with a doggy paddle.

I quiclky had my natural blood replaced and began looking for a way to get back to 2004 so I would be a super-hero-guy.. or maybe just super...

*********************

Edit/ going with HF instead of hemocyanin

My bones promptly dissolved when I treid to have my blood replaced, because they neglected to tell me that I must first get titanium bone-replacements...